Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset.
-Exodus 17:12, NLT
We all need an “Aaron” and a “Hur” for friends.
These are the type of friends who refuse to tolerate abuse and lies. They speak the truth in a loving way to you helping you get through the inevitable wobbles of exiting from a destructive relationship.
These are the type of people who have your back.
They are appalled by the way you were treated by your Cheater. Plus, they have little tolerance for people feigning “neutrality” about you being abused by said Cheater–for all cheating IS ABUSE!
These are the people who call you to a higher place. They do not let you fall for lies, but their voice is a call to truth cutting through that especially dangerous spiritual warfare landscape.
I am grateful for the friends and family that were my “Aaron” or “Hur” during my dark valley.
My hope is that this website is such a place for you. May it strengthen you to take the hard but necessary steps to preserve your well-being. I want you to have the sort of voice here that you may not have currently around you. May it be a healing voice of truth pushing you to take the next step to your glorious future!
The Seven Mistakes Churches Make When Dealing With Infidelity
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery Focusing on the marriage:
The most significant mistake that churches make in the aftermath of infidelity is taking a cause and effect approach. Infidelity is about a breach of trust and has to be treated as such. While it causes a marital problem, marital problems aren’t the cause of infidelity. Two people can be in a miserable marriage, but typically only one has an affair. Certainly there are marital problems, but until the unfaithful spouse repents and turns to God, there is little ground from which to rebuild.
Discouraging the unfaithful spouse from telling the truth:
Infidelity is the keeping of secrets. Intimacy is a willingness to be fully known (naked and not ashamed). Therefore, infidelity inhibits intimacy. It is impossible to be loved unconditionally if you only conditionally let another person know who you are. Admittedly, disclosure needs to be limited to the relevant details, (too much detail increases the probability of intrusive thoughts), but discouraging the truth not only inhibits intimacy, it robs the hurt spouse of their choice. The unfaithful mate can never regain trust unless they first trust their mate with the information.
“Those who live by the truth come into the light. . . ” John 3:21a (TNIV)
Failure to help the couple find the necessary resources to recovery from infidelity:
Recovery from a betrayal is difficult at best. Couples desperately need others who are like them that can testify to God’s hand in their recovery. The stories of these couples provide hope for recovery. They need support to help stabilize their relationship when things get out of hand. They need people who will stick with them for the long haul. They need to be taught about what’s normal and what’s not in terms of their reactions. They need to be shown how God can redeem their situation. Begin by educating yourself concerning what these couples need.
Allowing the unfaithful spouse to blame their mate rather than having them take personal responsibility:
Far too often (as mentioned in number one) a therapist or pastor will look at the problem from the cause and effect perspective. When the unfaithful spouse claims they were unhappy and speaks of their lack of sex or their mate’s weight gain (or whatever), then the cause of the infidelity is laid at the feet of the hurt spouse. It’s important to acknowledge the existence of problems in the relationship, but explain that they first have to look at the plank in their own eye rather than the splinter in their mate’s eye. Recovery is a two-step process where first the infidelity is addressed, then the marital problems.
Pushing too quickly for the hurt spouse to get over it:
Moving beyond the pain of infidelity normally takes 18 to 24 months. Trying to hurry the process of forgiveness and reconciliation prior to knowing what happened sets the couple up for continued distrust. Pain that is not transformed will be transmitted. Help them grieve the pain and fully forgive.
Failure to support the couple:
Far too often when a church becomes aware of a couple dealing with infidelity, instead of giving support, they abandon the couple. Many couples have reported never receiving a single call from church leadership or small group members. Probably more than anyone else in the church, these people need someone calling and asking how they are doing and asking how to pray. They need support and encouragement to walk through this process.
Failure to provide realistic expectations:
For most, dealing with infidelity is much like swimming under water in the dark. They have no idea if they’re making progress or if they’re on their last leg. Providing realistic expectations, allows them to hang on, even when the going gets tough. Failure to provide these milestones can leave them feeling discouraged and may lead them to give up. Providing other couples who have already experienced God’s forgiveness imparts hope, encouragement, and direction.