Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.*
-Proverbs 25:24, NIV
One of the many gifts that came with my first marriage ending was the end of those arguments.
I no longer had to argue over my reality with someone trying to deny it. Once I let go of my compulsion to have my ex’s (or others’) agreement, I found peace. I knew the truth of what happened, and the truth is always enough.
God is Truth (see John 14:6).
Another reason why I discourage returning to one’s cheating ex-spouse for a relationship autopsy is that it is an invitation to reopen these power-struggle arguments. Ask yourself:
Do you really want to waste your time and emotion over arguing matters regarding reality–i.e. your and likely, the rest of the world’s, reality?
That is precisely what those conversations will be with a cheater who is refusing to take full responsibility for his or her cheating ways. You will be dealing with blame-shifting and essentially someone who is trying to foist the consequences of their sin upon you. It is best not to give them an opportunity to even try.
You have better things to do than waste your time and heart dealing with such madness…like living into the amazing destiny God has for you post-cheater.
*By the way, I believe this proverb works in both gender directions.
This also applies to the allies/enablers of the cheater. There is NO point engaging them either. I have had to put strong boundaries up with one and refuse to have a relationship with them. I have suffered enough at their hands and as the “Who” sang, “I won’t get fooled again!”
Learned that one the hard way AFTER I engaged an ex-in law. I try to remind myself that this is where my ex got it from. Sometimes, when you start setting boundaries, the wrath of the toxic people really comes out. But, it tends to be the start of a new beginning away from that level of toxicity. I hope, for their sakes, that the cheater and enablers do come to the Lord someday.
A few months ago I remember thinking and sharing with others that it is SO NICE not living with a liar and cheater anymore. There is no more confusion in my mind anymore. I no longer feel “crazy.” And I no longer feel “used” since my ex and his family is out of my life.