On Being Assertive

A few weeks ago, I was on a solo trip down to Iowa. On this trip, I went to a local restaurant to have dinner. They asked if it was okay to seat me in a booth, and I acquiesced to this.

The problem is that I am a large man.

In fact, I have been called “The Big Guy” at work and elsewhere. Booths are not the most comfortable place for me to sit, usually. I fit, but it’s not ideal.

So, here I am on my own and sitting in a booth feeling uncomfortable. I am in my forties and thinking this is stupid. Why not ask to move to an open table with chairs instead. So, I did.

Yet, this experience highlighted to me how crazy and deeply embedded in me was the impulse not to “rock the boat.” Thankfully, I am getting better at being assertive and speaking up for my wishes when something does not serve me.

I suspect I am not the only faithful spouse who struggles with assertive communication.

We tend to be the type of people who put up with a lot for “peace.” This often means our desires and needs do not get met.

In fact, Cheaters count on this when they attack us in their discard phase. They speak about how we did meet their “needs.” Our needs and desires are invisible in this conversation.

Professionals sadly go for this game far too often. They get distracted by the more assertive partner in this matter and get co-oped in the Cheater discarding moves.

Yet, we–faithful spouses–can change this narrative. We have a voice, and it is a powerful one… use it! Get that table.