On Being “The Model Divorced”

“Yes, we are divorced. But we’re friends. I understand I made mistakes, too, in our marriage.”

– “Model” Divorcee

If you do get divorced, I sense this is what people–maybe Christians especially–want to hear. They want a nice narrative where they do not have to pick sides.

Maybe some divorcees can become friends with each other after the divorce. I am not saying this is an impossibility.

Yet this blog and my own experience tells me that this is an unrealistic goal for many. I would add that is not a matter of failure upon the part of the divorced faithful spouse!

-Is someone who cheated on you and betrayed your trust for months–and sometimes years–unrepentantly someone you would normally choose as a friend?

-How about a person who did this and was more concerned about people knowing they did it than how they harmed you?

-What about a person who chose to lie for months and sometimes years even after having been “caught?”

-How about someone who was emotionally abusive while cheating on their spouse for months?

-What about the person claiming to be short of needed money while secretly spending lavishly on his or her affair partner and hiding assets? 

An amicable relationship with our exes is not something on the table for many faithful spouses.

If we could have had such a relationship–the sort where cheater repentance happened, the lies stopped, and the infidelity ceased–we likely would not be divorced.

We all make mistakes in our marriages. That is not what the issue is when it comes to faithful spouses who have divorced or been divorced by cheaters.

The utter contempt cheaters demonstrate by cheating, lying, and otherwise abusing faithful spouses makes remaining married to them dangerous to our well-being.

This is doubly so when dealing with cheaters who have refused to repent and demonstrated a strong commitment to lying.

Civility might be as far as we can get with some people who prefer lies over truth.

___________

*A version of this post ran previously.