…and if you see him going the wrong direction, cry out and correct him. If there is true repentance on his part, forgive him.
-Luke 17:3, TPT
I wonder if you have experienced versions of these questions or statements. (They usually come from well-meaning–but emotionally and biblically tone-deaf–Christians):
“So, have you forgiven her?”
“Where are you at in forgiving him?”
“I hope you can find it in your heart for forgive them.”
What is extremely troubling to me as a pastor is how these questions assume repentance is immaterial to the act of forgiveness. That is not biblical!
I think many faithful spouses would happily forgive a cheater and their supporters if they really were repentant. The problem is that cheaters and their supporters rarely repent.
Now, I am not saying we remain hostage to (justified) anger towards these individuals forever.
At some point, we need to cut our loses handing them over to the Just Judge for Him to handle. That is the extent of forgiveness we can go biblically in those situations where no true repentance is evident.
Back to those “well-meaning” Christians:
I wished they spent half as much energy talking the cheater about repentance as they do “forgiveness” to us. These two ideas need to go hand in hand as Jesus’ own words in Luke 17:3 teaches us. My encouragement to fellow pastors and elders is to consider the repentance portion of this equation and not just push “forgiveness.”
As I read Jesus’ words in Luke 17:3, the conversation about forgiveness is premature (and wrong) without a preceding conversation about the offender’s state of repentance.
When it comes to adultery in the church, we would do much better leading with “repentance concerns” with cheaters before we ever raise “forgiveness concerns” with the faithful spouses.
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*A version of this post ran previously.
