I did not want to believe it.

Who, in their right mind, would want to believe their spouse was secretly having sex with another?!

This is important to note for faithful spouses. We are predisposed to disbelief.

To believe even very concrete evidence of sexual infidelity means dealing with the reality that your world has been upended by your own treacherous partner.

One of my frustrations from my discovery days was how some pastors failed to accept the evidence of my (now) ex-wife’s sexual infidelity as conclusive.

This aided her lies covering her cheating while pushing me to consider and focusing on anything but the actual source of my agony–i.e. her treacherous sin.

Pastors,

-If a husband takes condoms from the marital home–his chosen form of birth control, it is a fair assumption that he is sexually active or intends to be so.

-If a wife takes her diaphragm and spermicide from the marital home–her chosen form of birth control, it is a fair assumption that she is sexually active or intends to be so.

No good comes of being “ready” for the “moment” if this partner is no longer having sex with their spouse.

And do not assume this is only preparation for sexual behavior. Sex may have already happened. Impulsive behavior is a cheater’s strong suite…not so much thinking through the health implications of risky sex in the moment.

My point in saying this is that a pastor can help a faithful spouse by not feeding false hope. Call it for what it is when confronted with the evidence. It helps no one to avoid the truth or aid in the lies.

*A version of this post ran previously.