Forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting.
In fact, I would suggest “forgetting” is just “denial” by another name.
What helped me in both forgiving and moving on from my ex-wife was writing out what she actually did. Having this list in mind is very useful. Such a list is helpful in dealing with nostalgic moments of pining.
Are you really pining over that?!
It also helps in dealing with old mutual friends and their second guessing of your actions. The list is a self-care matter. It helps strengthen your own voice and choice not to tolerate the abuses of infidelity.
When people want to believe or promote the image that your ex is a nice, sweet, Christian person, you can remember:
–This “nice, sweet, Christian” person … went to multiple marriage therapy sessions tearing you down while keeping their affair partner secret.
–This “nice, sweet, Christian” person… when offered the generous option to repair the marriage provided they stopped cheating (and proved that to you), chose to keep cheating and gas-lighting you about their affair.
–This “nice, sweet, Christian” person… lied about the affair for months while working hard to convince you that you were a cruel and crazy person for believing the actual truth.
Whatever your list might be, I recommend having one. It is not a “bitter” list but an account of what happened.
Do not confuse remembering Personal history with refusing to forgive.
They are not the same thing. Wise individuals remember history. Foolish ones live in denial and choose to forget painful history. I rather be in the former than the later category.
You can completely forgive the cheater of their sinful behavior. Forgiveness does not change the history, though. The wise person remembers what the cheater was both capable of doing and did. Such memories makes you less susceptible to manipulation and abuse in the future.
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*A version of this post ran previously.
