I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’
-Luke 15:18-19, NIV
Until a cheater has made peace with the idea that their sins have ended their marriage, I do not believe there is even a slim hope for a godly restoration of that marriage.
They have to hit the bottom like the prodigal son.
A repentant cheater does not come to the marriage with even a hint of entitlement. They grasp the basic understanding that they really “blew it.” The opportunity to rebuild what they destroyed is a gift and mercy if the faithful spouse chooses to give that to them.
The cheater needs to accept the loss. They must make peace with the consequences of their sins.
Without this acceptance or peace, the cheater is likely going to engage in all sorts of manipulation moves. They will try to manage the fallout of their sins.
This looks like selective disclosures of the sins (e.g. “trickle truth”) or outright withholding of vital information for the faithful spouse to heal. Or the cheater might weaponize Christianity to guilt and shame their partner in staying with them. That is wrong and spiritually abusive, by the way.
Without this peace, the cheater has no room in his or her heart for gratitude towards the faithful spouse even when they generously allow them to rebuild the marriage.
The cheater is still stuck in thinking that the faithful spouse “owes them” this rebuild like the prodigal son demanding his inheritance!
I am grateful to serve a generous God who does not give me what I deserve. But before I can see that generosity, I have to see the gift of life and love He gives me is just that–a gift. God does not “owe it” to me.
This is the attitude cheaters must take if they are to have any possibility of having a God-honoring restored marriage. They must let go of controlling the outcome and managing the fallout of their sin. Cheaters must make peace with their losses.
Letting go is never easy, but I have found it is the first step often in receiving the gift of life.
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