15 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”
-Matthew 18:15-17, NLT
What if churches and pastors chose not to keep the dirty, sin secrets of the unreptentant?
I think that is a better way to understand this passage in today’s society where people are no longer so strongly tied to a specific church. Plus, I am weary of over jealous pastors and elders using shame against faithful spouses in difficult circumstances to encourage public denouncements.
This is how I would interpret the steps for Christians in dealing with adultery today:
1) Faithful spouse ought to confront the cheater over the adultery first.
The cheater needs to face a one-on-one rebuke. This ought to be done only if the faithful spouse feels safe doing so alone (see below for the first step if that is not the case).
The faithful spouse does not necessary need to expose all the evidence arrayed against the unfaithful spouse. In fact, holding some close to vest would be wise. The cheater knows what he or she did.
When cheaters demand “all” the evidence, they are fishing to better hide their sin, in my opinion.
If the cheater does not repent (or is unsafe in a one-on-one conversation over such matters), we go to step two…
2) The faithful spouse ought to rebuke the cheater with a counselor, pastor, and/or elder or two present (if he or she feels unsafe with doing step one, this would be the first step).
It is important that a faithful spouse does this with a pastor or Christian counselor who does not blame faithful spouses–even in part–for the sins committed against them.
This step can go horribly wrong resulting in further emotional and spiritual damage to the adultery victim if done with a Christian leader who sides with the cheater’s “excuses.”
The point of such a confrontation is to facilitate repentance in the cheater.
My hope in this is for a faithful spouse to find a pastor or other Christian leader who will understand this task and not be distracted by the cheater trying to do anything BUT repent of the infidelity. Such leaders–as I discovered in my own experience–are rare gems.
If the cheater does not repent in the presence of this group, then we get to steps three and four…
3 & 4) Explain to the unrepentant cheater at the end of step two, their sins will not be kept a secret to the Christian community, and the faithful spouse will be encouraged to go no contact/limited (just business) contact with the cheater.
Our church communities are not as strong as they were in Jesus’ day. This is in part why I have decided to interpret these last two steps in this way.
Faithful spouses need to know that they do not have to keep the cheater’s dirty secrets and will find unqualified support from their brothers and sisters in the Lord. That is the point of telling the cheater he or she cannot expect secrecy in the church regarding their unrepentant sins.
***I do NOT encourage public announcements or publications of said sins in the bulletin!***
Too much spiritual abuse takes place in the name of “church discipline” and that is why I think such a method of formal public shaming is unwise plus unlikely to facilitate the godly goal of restoration–i.e. the biblical point of said discipline (see I Corinthians 5).
The important part is to care for the faithful spouse and her family in this crisis while communicating to the cheater that adultery is unacceptable among God’s people.
The faithful spouse needs to know he or she is free to share their pain and the facts of their situation with fellow believers in the church community with the blessing of the pastor or other Christian leader. This is vital for their healing.
Such nasty secrets need airing so that the faithful spouse does not feel alone and stigmatized.
Also, faithful spouses need separation from the cheater to heal often times. I know I did.
The last part is about that healing separation–to the best that is possible as children complicate it. Plus, it is treating the cheater as a “corrupt tax collector” in breaking fellowship with him or her.
