But solid food belongs to those who are of full age, that is, those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.
-Hebrews 5:14, NKJV
I still struggle honoring my own experience as valid.
Cheaters are “good” at devaluing the faithful spouse’s experience. They do not want them to believe the obvious truth about how awful the cheater is treating them.
You see self doubt serves cheaters.
The energy you are spending questioning yourself about whether this is abuse is time and energy you are not putting towards protecting yourself and gaining freedom from the cheater.
This is why having good friends who validate your feelings is SOOO important!
The gift of having someone support you in calling what you have experienced unacceptable helps break the cycle of self doubt. It can snap you out of the loop.
This is one of the main functions of this blog ministry. I hope you find such validation here as adultery is never acceptable!
Why Does Gaslighting Work? There Are More Than A Few Reasons:
Gaslighting exploits any existing self-doubt about one’s capabilities as well as any past traumas that may cause the victim to feel too “damaged” to see reality clearly.
Gaslighting exhausts a victim’s internal resources so they are unable to self-validate and eventually give into a sense of learned helplessness.
Gaslighting depletes individuals of a stable sense of self-worth and certainty about how they interpret the world.
Gaslighting manufactures insecurities and fears that never existed, causing the victim to focus on his/her perceived flaws rather than the abuser’s transgressions.
Gaslighting causes the survivor to investigate whether he or she has done something wrong, instead of looking at the perpetrator’s behavior as the cause of concern.
Gaslighting sets up survivors to fail no matter what they do; abusers will demonstrate disapproval regardless of how hard the survivor tries to please the abuser. Whether victims stay silent and compliant or aggressive and assertive, they will be punished. By moving the goalposts, the perpetrator is able to shift their expectations and their claims at the drop of a hat.
Gaslighting diverts from, denies, rationalizes and minimizes horrific acts of psychological and physical violence.
Gaslighting creates a dangerous form of retaliation for victims speaking out, because each time they do, they are met with a psychological or even physical assault that causes them to feel increasingly diminished.