Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret.
-Ephesians 5:11-12, NIV
It happened to me, again, today.
I was having a conversation with a work colleague who wanted to know more about me. Of course, I shared about my family Mrs. DM and Munchkin. She asked how long we had been married, and I shared that it was two years. Munchkin is almost five.
Being clergy, I felt like I had to share more about my history. So, I shared I was previously married and that marriage ended via my first wife’s cheating. But life is much better these days…(which is a truthful statement I used to smooth over the awkwardness of talking infidelity).
It really is “shameful to even mention” these things. That ick feeling returned even as I shared about my history. Yet I felt it was and is an important part of who I am today. That experience launched me into creating this online resource for others going through similarly difficult circumstances.
I am glad I shared. As one can tell from this blog, I am a pretty open book on these matters. This part of my past has been formative even though it only forms a chapter or two in my personal history.
The battle over shame is won in increments as faithful spouses share what they experienced. It is won by speaking the historical truth. That includes sharing that we survived some ugly stuff–e.g. adultery committed against us.
My hope in writing this post today is to encourage you.
I still struggle telling people about how I ended up divorced. “I’m divorced, and my first marriage ended via my first wife cheating on and leaving me.” That is not easy to say even though it is the historical truth.
This from the minister who blogs on the subject and is adamant that we–pastors–need to talk more about infidelity, not less!
My point is that it is okay to struggle.
But I hope you feel free to share your story–however briefly or not–when it is appropriately safe and you need to speak it.
Thank-you. I’m honestly just now starting to share my story with those closest to me.
Good for you Marie. I hope you are ok. Hugs.
You own everything that happended to you. Tell your stories, if people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.
Thats my motto. I’m not ashamed anymore and I sometimes feel that I want friends to know this happened and it “wasn’t MY fault”. My x was a wolf in sheep clothing, I want people to understand that he and he alone was the one who blew up me and our family. He is a PK, was always involved in ministry and had been a sheriff for his career. I see as he mocked God, and tainted his career because this is where many of his affairs started. I can hold my head HIGH now that he is gone!
“The battle over shame is won in increments as faithful spouses share what they experienced.” Amen! At first, I kept everything to myself and then only started sharing bits and pieces to my mom and my best friend. I was so ashamed. Then I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of and started telling everyone who would listen. Then I discovered others around me have gone through this and they were particularly supportive. I feel telling people is a huge part of healing. I was fortunate enough to have very few who assumed this was partly my fault- most told me something like “you deserve way better than that, get away from him.” It was also a great way to tell who in my life were people of very strong character and were a little wishy washy. What an eye opening blessing!