15 “Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves. 16 You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act.”
-Matthew 7:15-16a, NLT
A common pastoral care error committed by even well-meaning leaders is to fail to recognize an important distinction:
Perpetrators and Victims–a.k.a. Wolves and Sheep.
Most resources assumes the Cheater is just a misguided sheep. They approach both as equally or partially to blame for the marriage issues. This results in re-traumatizing the victims, in my opinion.
Justice demands that we do not blame victims.
So, it is unjust to ask or demand that the faithful spouse take blame for their marriages being destroyed by the Cheater. Make no mistake, it is the sexual immorality that destroys the marriage. That is the sin God takes as marriage ending (see Deut. 22:22, Mt. 19:9).
Perpetrators of soul rape–i.e. Cheaters–need a different approach pastorally than their victims–i.e. faithful spouses.
You rebuke one for sin, and you comfort the other. You don’t rebuke both, and you do not comfort both.
Cheaters need to be warned of the danger of persisting in sin.
Faithful spouses need comfort and reminders that they in no way deserved to be victimized.
