“He stopped committing adultery and seems to be repenting. Must I remain married to him?”
-Faithful Spouse
Some pastors would vehemently disagree with the position I take on this matter. They would try and add to the teachings of Jesus by insisting faithful spouse must take back cheaters who have stopped cheating.
I do not hold such a position because I do not believe it is there in Scripture.
When I look at the Scriptures indicating the righteous ending of marriage in response to sexual infidelity (see Deut 22:22, Lev 20:10, Mt 1:19, Mt 5:32, and Mt 19:9), I do not see a qualifier to the permission to divorce or otherwise end the marriage.
My point in saying that is that even genuine repentance on the part of the cheater does not revoke the permission faithful spouses have to divorce without shame as I read Scripture.
Sin has consequences.
Now, I do believe benefits exist for faithful spouses who stay–provided the cheater is genuinely repentant. I would be willing to encourage such a relationship under the condition of real repentance from the cheater.
However, the decision to stay must be made freely by the faithful spouse and not be born from moralistic coercion as the faithful spouse is the one taking the major risk by betting on a proven liar and cheat.
In addition, I would question the sincerity or reality of the cheater’s repentance if he or his supporters were trying to manipulate the faithful spouse into staying in the marriage.
Such behavior strikes me as less aimed to right a wrong and more aimed at avoiding consequences for one’s bad deeds. That’s not repentance.
Now, I get that as Christians we are given a ministry of reconciliation (see 2 Corinthians 5:18). We are to seek peace and healed relationships as Christ did.
However, I think it is a major spiritual distortion to take that teaching and insist that means a “good” Christian must resume conjugal relations with someone who has raped their soul!
That is precisely the expectation people make of faithful spouses when they insist they take back their cheater. As you can see put in the above terms, such is ludicrous!
You can forgive a spouse and still divorce him or her, IMO. It is not a move to punish–necessarily–but rather a move to make oneself safe again from someone who has proven untrustworthy, the cheater.
In my opinion, the judgment call to stay or divorce is best left to the faithful spouse to whom God has given explicit permission to divorce the cheater without shame.
Anything more–meaning any pressuring to stay married–is a matter of usurping the Holy Spirit and imposing one’s own opinions where they do not belong. Such is ungodly.
So, my answer is: “No, you do not have to stay married to a cheater even if he has stopped cheating and appears to be repentant. That call is between you and God.”
