Me: “I got divorced. Then I had to go through a trial with my denomination to keep my license.”
Friend: “Don’t they realize that stuff happens.”
I do not recommend the “stuff happens” response to someone whose marriage has been blown up by adultery.
While I appreciate this friend’s effort to be understanding, the stance is neutral towards a horrific trauma every faithful spouse endures at the hands of their cheater. Our lives have been up ended by deliberate and malevolent choices and actions on the part of a cheating spouse.
The “stuff happens” response can come across as a minimization of surviving such treacherous trauma.
I attribute the “stuff happens” response to talk about a natural disaster or possibly accidents. Things outside our control usually fall into that category.
While this is true for the faithful spouse–as in the faithful spouse is experiencing something that they do not control–it misses the important point that someone did control the marriage ending otherwise. The adulterous ending of a marriage was no accident. A cheater made some really awful (and sinful) deliberate choices.
Is that how we respond to crime victims?
My sister was murdered.
Stuff happens.
I was raped, and I have to deal with people constantly who think I was “asking for it.”
Well, don’t they understand that stuff happens?
I hope that helps to illustrate how unhelpful such a response is to a true victim. And make no mistake: faithful spouses are true victims!
Such a response invalidates the reality that an injustice has occurred. There are perpetrators and victims here just as in the cases of murder and rape. “Stuff happens” obliterates that distinction. Hence, I have a problem with it.
“Stuff” wasn’t banging another man and violating my marriage.
That was my (now ex) wife doing that.
And no, that “stuff” was not inevitable but chosen freely by her. It didn’t just “happen.” Many deliberate and sinful choices went into that state of affairs.
In summary:
“Stuff happens” does not even begin to point to the reality and injustice of being cheated upon by one’s spouse and divorced.
*A version of this post ran previously.
Yes, only the truly loyal and devoted who have been betrayed by their spouse know the depth of that pain.
DM,
I seriously don’t see this stance changing anytime soon. Its simply the easy road for friend, family, pastors, counselors. I had 32 yrs of a story and still …. not too many wanted to take
a stand with me or acknowledge the crime against me. Ive shared this before. our pastor told us in a counseling that it was ME who lived in the tree of Good & Evil (judging my XH) he told me I should be in the Tree of LIFE. WOW, I never went back. Another pastor years earlier told me that Sh** happens in all marriages. I responded NO Sh** doesn’t just happen A**holes cause it. Sorry for the bad language but this was a well known minister who “specialized” in infidelity. I am grateful I know this is not the stance GOD takes and along with your blog I was able to sort through the “minimization”. Its terrible what us faithful spouses put up with on top of being traumatized. Thank you for your site, I refer lots of people to it!