“We were perfectly fine as a couple before she found out I cheated. Now, she is angry with me and is threatening divorce. I blame you for this mess, because you told her!”
-Cheater Husband
In what alternate serious situation would we accept this sort of blame-shifting reasoning?!
The whistleblower who exposes fraud and abuse is not responsible for destroying the career of the embezzling abuser. He does not send her to jail.
It is her committing the crime that lands her there. Such consequences justly reside with the abusive embezzler herself.
It is the same thing, as I see it, when it comes to cheating.
I have little doubt that faithful spouses will likely no longer look at their cheating partners the same after learning the truth of the cheaters’ treacherous ways.
But telling them that they were defrauded of trust, intimacy, safety, and likely finances is not the same being the one who did those things–i.e. the cheater.
Personally, I would rather know my accountant stole tens of thousands of dollars from me than to ignorantly continue entrusting her with additional precious investments.
The person who tells me that my accountant is stealing from me is not responsible for destroying my relationship with my accountant. Her stealing from me–i.e. exploiting our trust relationship like every cheater does their spouse–is what destroyed it.
I have little doubt that an unrepentant cheater will be quick to point the finger at the messenger. Such is to be expected from someone invested in avoidance of consequences for their own actions.
Yet the cheater–or others–saying the messenger destroyed the marriage does not make it so.
An upset spouse and a destroyed marriage is a logical and natural consequence to choosing to cheat and lie to one’s spouse. In other words, the bad marriage was chosen when the cheater chose the adulterous betrayal.
Blaming the messenger exposing the adultery is like the embezzler blaming the judge for putting him in jail. It is an immature response. And it exposes a clear failure–perhaps willfully–to connect the dots between sinful action and natural consequence.
The sad fact is that cheaters show little insight. They don’t “search” their heart, or repent for any sins. In a bizarre similarity, one of my XH’s friends told me what *he* was up to. It was a miserable and dramatic experience, as my XH called him up to confront him. This “friend”, put on the spot, began frantically back pedaling. He said I was making it up, and that I was lying.
However, my XH’s comment was more shocking: “Randy, even if I was cheating, you should not have told her anything anyway.”
I remember hearing that and going and lying down in my bed, gutted and lost. There was no hope. He was openly condoning lying to protect himself. Who cares about me?
That is when I truly grasped the concept of “unequal yoke”. Thou shalt not lie was no where on his radar.