The words of the reckless pierce like swords,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.-Proverbs 12:18, NIV
I was helping Mrs. DM clean up our basement yesterday evening. While sorting through folders with old papers, I came across some of my notes from the time of my first marriage’s implosion.
These notes outlined my ex-wife’s complaints about me. I can remember how painful those accusations were at the time. They were like knives in my brain.
Now, they are just…
…”interesting.”
I am a different man, thankfully, than I was back then–i.e. over a decade ago. Seeing those notes, I know today a fuller story about what was happening–aka cheating–in the background. I am also less inclined today to accept blame as I was back then.
Cheaters say the cruelest things when they are trying to manage the image they project to the world.
Back then, I took a verbal and emotional beating that I would never let a friend take in a similar situation–at least, not without my objections.
Today, I would point out how cheating distorts a spouse’s ability to see their own marriage clearly and truthfully. Testimony from a cheater is testimony from a liar as they cannot cheat without lying to their spouse and others. So, their testimony is suspect.
Also, regardless of a cheater’s marriage complaints, they do not get to complain about the marriage they have burned to the ground through infidelity. Who cares if you had terrible tastes in carpet selections or always loaded the dishwasher wrong, the “house” is nothing but ashes thanks to the Cheater’s “arson.” They don’t get to keep on complaining about what their sins destroyed. The abuse needs to stop.
I am convinced pastors and counselors I saw did their honest best to help me. But they failed me.
In my time of crisis when the accusations were hurled my way, I needed a brother or sister in the Lord to speak the truths I mentioned above to me. I needed someone who was wise as a serpent to the schemes of religious Cheaters. That is not someone I had at the time.
But God saw me through it. He did place individuals with pieces of truth and voices of encouragement along the way that DID help me even if they did not have all of those pieces at once.
Now, today, I can be the voice I needed for others going through a similar trial. That is why Divorce Minister exists. It is my way to pay it forward for what God has done for me and taught me through my experiences.
And who knows, maybe some day you, too, will be able to look back at those words of accusations as mere curiosities now emptied of their power to hurt you?!
