“Yes, we are divorced. But we’re friends. I understand I made mistakes, too, in our marriage.” – “Model” Divorcee
If you do get divorced, I sense this is what people–maybe Christians especially–want to hear. They want a nice narrative where they do not have to pick sides.
And maybe some divorcees can become friends with each other after the divorce.
Yet this place and my own experience tells me that this is an unrealistic goal for many. And that is not a matter of failure upon the part of the divorced faithful spouse.
-Is someone who cheated on you and betrayed your trust for months–and sometimes years–unrepentantly someone you would normally choose as a friend?
-How about a person who did this and was more concerned about people knowing they did it than how they harmed you?
-What about a person who chose to lie for months and sometimes years even after having been “caught?”
An amicable relationship with our exes is not something on the table for many faithful spouses.
If we could have had such a relationship–the sort where cheater repentance happened, the lies stopped, and the infidelity ceased–we likely would not be divorced.
We all make mistakes in our marriages. That is not what the issue is when it comes to faithful spouses who have divorced or been divorced by cheaters.
The utter contempt cheaters demonstrate by cheating, lying, and otherwise abusing faithful spouses makes remaining married to them dangerous to our well-being.
This is doubly so when dealing with cheaters who have refused to repent and demonstrated a strong commitment to lying.
Civility might be as far as we can get with some people who prefer lies over truth.
This is what is so difficult for me and why I’m still here. I know if I leave that it will be messy and I will have to go no contact. He has denied Ever having an affair, but the circumstantial evidence, lies and money hiding make no sense. I’m really thankful my kids are grown now because if I do leave, the hypocrisy of it all is going to hit them hard!
Yes, there is that nagging guilt that maybe I am just not being forgiving because I do not want to be in any close relationship with my adulterous “ex”. I barely made it through our sons wedding last year. It is important to separate forgive and reconcile. I forgive my ex in the sense that I do not attempt to injure her or her relationships with our children. I have turned over to God justice in this matter. To reconcile takes two people accepting their responsibility and making amends. I have done my part. She blames me for her adultery.
Why would I want to be in relationship with this?
We can conduct business if needed, but otherwise she is not a person I want to be around. Sad.
Loren, if you don’t mind me asking- how long were you married to her? Do your children realize she commuted adultery, hence the reason for the divorce? How is her relationship with your adult children?
We were married almost 25 years.
Our sons were in high school and I told them explicitly there mom was comitting adultery. I agreed with my therapist that they should know the real cause, as she was telling them we just were not getting along. She of course was beyond furious and began a new series of lies. I did not criticize her to our children and never attempted to drive a wedge between them. They get along fine with her now, 17 years later.
Loren,
I know a woman who sounds just like your X.
She once told me that she grew tired of all the things her husband did for her and how he provided for her. She says he is still so unfriendly & unforgiving towards her & her new husband at weddings etc. What disturbs her the most is that he still will not accept any responsibility for her unhappiness & affair. Of course, she blames him for the children struggling with their faith & having difficulty accepting the family’s situation.
For some reason she is still angry at the couple from her previous church for confronting her about what she was doing at the time & trying to stop her by warning her about how her choices would affect her husband & children.
Thanks for answering. Kids just want a relationship with their parents. They can still understand the truth and love the stupid parent. I bet you are a lot closer to them!
Being pregnant when D-day happened means I have at least 18 years of shared parenting. I tend to chose friends who have shared values as myself, he has shown that he does not. I would not keep up a friendship with any one who did those things to me or someone I cared about. I have to be civil and have some contact because of our two small children. He has shacked up with OW and they spend time together with my toddler. I see him for what he is now but I fear that my children will not see that as they are so young. It will just become normal life to them and they will grow up thinking their Daddy is wonderful and so is OW.
I’m so sorry.
That has got to be the hardest part of it all.
My biggest concern is that I fear that when children “accept it” that they are then easily pulled into the deception of it all.
Is this an example of what we’re warned about when God tells us that it would better for someone to have never been born than to cause one of these young/impressionable ones to sin?
Abandonment by a cheating spouse/parent would almost be easier.