“First, realize that the third person is never the full reason for separation. In fact, Guidepost 4 says that marital difficulty is caused by the marriage partners, not by someone outside the marriage….Your failures and those of your spouse brought about the crisis in your marriage.”
-ONE MORE TRY by Gary Chapman, pp31-32.
Oddly, I agree with Chapman’s marital crisis causation analysis to a point.
Clearly, he engages in promoting “The Shared Responsibility Lie” with his talk of mutual failures as the cause for present marital troubles when infidelity is present. Obviously, this is a biblically incorrect teaching as one is responsible for one’s sin alone (see 2 Corinthians 5:10).
A faithful spouse is in no way or portion responsible for their partner’s infidelity!
Where I agree with Chapman is over the idea that character failures are at the root of the marital problems. However, he likes to distribute the blame as opposed to properly laying full responsibility at the foot of the one who actually chose and acted violating the marriage vows.
The character failures belong to the cheater.
Also, the presence of the third party is a marriage problem as well. Their presence highlights the character flaws within the cheating partner as this partner decided cheating was acceptable when it clearly is not.
Furthermore, adultery is soul rape. This is an extremely traumatic experience and to dismiss the third party’s role in creating that awful experience is to minimize the serious impact of adultery to a marriage.
A marriage is never the same after adultery has taken place.
To suggest adultery did not create or introduce unique problems into the marriage relationship is to fail to grasp this spiritual and emotional reality.
That said, I agree that the idea of focusing energy on the third party is wasted. If it wasn’t this particular person, it would’ve been another, IMO.
The real issue is about what lies the the cheating partner accepted to “justify” allowing this third party into the marriage in the first place.
To look at the marriage as causing the affair is to engage in adultery “justifying” behavior.
It is wicked.
Circumstances do not cause someone to cheat. Even a bad marriage does not cause a person to cheat.
A lack of character–in the unfaithful partner–causes this person to cheat.
Nothing justifies committing adultery.
