Thoughts for Cheaters

For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
    and her speech is smoother than oil;
but in the end she is bitter as gall,
    sharp as a double-edged sword.

-Proverbs 5:3-4, NIV

So, a friend cheated.

What do you do? What do you say to them? 

1. Urge them to come COMPLETELY clean with the faithful spouse.

This ought to come with the very clear understanding that you will not keep their dirty secrets. The damage to the marriage has already taken place caused by the infidelity and lies. A faithful spouse is entitled to know about such a theft and violation has taken place.

2. Take FULL responsibility for making this mess and avoid the temptation to blame-shift this upon your partner.

The infidelity is the product of your choices and NOT the circumstances of your marriage even if your marriage was struggling prior to the infidelity in reality. A faithful spouse can no more compel you to cheat, than they could stop you from NOT cheating on them in secret.

You own your own choices, actions, and their consequences. God will one day hold you to account for your actions, and pointing to the victim of your infidelity will not work as an excuse for you choosing sin (see 2 Cor. 5:10).

3. Do NOT minimize what you did to your partner and family.

Adultery is evil (see Deut. 22:22). It is sin. This is not just a “mistake” or a “cry for help.” It is not a “symptom” of marriage issues but is itself a sin.

Further, you cannot just commit adultery. You have to lie as well. It is a much bigger problem than a single sex act.

And realize: the intensity of emotion from a faithful spouse is well warranted. Because of the oneness that is marriage, you dragged a third party into your partner’s soul against their will when you committed adultery (see I Corinthians 6:15-16). That’s soul rape!

4. Stop trying to control the narrative or manage the consequences of your sin.

You did this to them. If you actually cared about them, then you make their healing your priority. That includes giving them full permission to share what happened with anyone and answering all their questions even if it means repeating what you have already shared.

Also, you accept that this might be the end of your marriage. God allows divorce in the case of sexual immorality without shame for the faithful spouse (see Matthew 19:9). Accepting that such a decision is the faithful spouse’s to make is part of accepting the consequences of your actions.

5. Work on yourself and get help.

God is forgiving. However, God requires repentance (see Luke 17:3). That means forsaking the sin and turning back to God.

Part of the process of healing will include dealing ruthlessly with the lies you told yourself to make it seem “okay” to cheat on your spouse. If you truly want to follow God, these lies need to be uprooted completely.

The bad news is that you chose sin, but that comes with some good news. You have the power to choose better in the future. You can choose righteousness in the future.

Find a counselor or pastor who understands the dynamics of infidelity and takes infidelity seriously.

Overall of this, I would add that ending the illicit relationship to the satisfaction of the faithful spouse is paramount. Do not selfishly try to keep the affair partner as a “friend” after the fact. That is highly unwise and very disrespectful to your spouse.

My guess is many cheaters will push you away if you try to follow this advice. That is an indication that they are less interested in repenting than minimizing the consequences or inconveniences their sinful behavior has caused.

Let them go!

Such a person is a dangerous person to trust. For why would they hold faith with you when they have betrayed the one human closest to them while refusing to repent?