Years ago, Chump Lady ran a post about how abusers operate. It is a vulgar version of Abuser TV (see post here).
I have found it extremely helpful in decoding behavior of abusers in general. This includes Cheaters as well as others like spiritual abusers. I find understanding the three channel cycle is helpful in defusing the madness.
Three Channels of Abuser TV:
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Charm
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Rage
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Pity
[Charm] We can be friends after all of this right? Maybe friends with benefits?
[Rage] No, I will not stand for you making this about him! He was just a friend and has nothing to do with our marriage problems. You know why I have to divorce you!
[Pity] This is just so hard on me! I never thought we’d have to end this way. I’m dying on the inside.
[Rage] But you murdered my soul!!! Damn you!
You get the idea. The abuser cycles through these three channels to keep us off balance. Think of these channels as tactics designed to manipulate us into doing their bidding.
If we are weak about divorcing them, we might experience more charm as they suck us in to extract more value out of us. Or they might be trying to get some asset or financial stipulation settled before lawyers get involved.
However, you set a healthy boundary and watch out! Rage is likely going to be the channel of your experience from your Cheater.
The last resort might be pity as we tend to extend grace to those we pity. They are counting on that from you. It is just another manipulation.
I write this to explode the notion that your Cheater is truly changing when you see one or two of these channels. They are simply doubling down on abusing you. Sure, the charm feels good at the time, but it is not worth the price of admission when you get the rage channel.
Armed with this knowledge, you can just watch them like an observer of an animal doing what that animal does. You can detach knowing that is what that animal does. He or she is not “changing their stripes” but just upping their game of manipulation.
You know better now and don’t have to be taken in by such tactics. Just let that TV flicker on its own. You don’t have to sit by and endure the show… walk away!
