“Talking about it just triggers my toxic shame. I can’t face what I did.”
-Cheater
This is a real conundrum for a faithful spouse.
It is hard to heal when you do not have some of the basic facts and your spouse is refusing to help on that number citing “toxic shame.” The “toxic shame” excuse preys upon our kind hearts who do not want to harm someone else–especially our spouse. So, we give the cheater a pass more often than not. We give them pity. This is not helpful.We are giving into cheater pity.
For a cheater with some sort of conscience, I have no doubt that the actions they did cause them real shame pain. However, healing only comes when we face that pain.If it is truly “too much,” then the cheater ought to be in a 72 hour lock-down suicide watch in a hospital. Most cheaters are not likely to agree to that.A way through the “toxic shame” is to acknowledge this is historical fact but need not be the cheater’s future. They can choose differently starting with today. Yet the only way to put that awful historical fact to bed is to accept it happened and learn from it. Repent, in other words.
A cheater stuck in self-pity is a cheater unwilling to repent.
They rather live with “toxic shame” than to start the hard, painful work to change and leave those actions in the past. Lying and betraying your spouse is truly shameful behavior. However, we are more than just our actions. Plus, we can change our future by choosing better in the present. An ugly past need not be the final word on our lives. However, a cheater must be willing to believe this truth. They must be willing to let go of that shame-bound identity and choose better.Some will choose pity-seeking over repentance. And that is a destructive choice for all parties, sadly.
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