Unwise Permission…

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

-Proverbs 31:10, KJV

One of my bone-headed moves as a husband in my last marriage was to tolerate unhealthy behavior in my wife without engaging in how such behavior was unwise, at best. In particular, I did not engage her in conversation over why going out for drinks without me multiple nights a week was not wise.

Fatigue, alcohol, and clubbing without your spouse present are three things that just invite bad outcomes.

Two things pushed me not to point out that obvious fact:

First, I did not want to come across as a controlling, jealous husband. That just is not who I am as a person. But I feared that “jealous, controlling husband” label and out of shame avoidance, I did not bring up how imprudent such clubbing and drinking behavior was at the time.

Second, I really did not want to go out to clubs two to three nights a week. It was a relief not to have to go out “all the time.” I did not want to have to fight over this, either. So, it was easier to just let her go and to have peace at home.

Whatever my reasons, this was not good for my first marriage.

Have the conversation if this is happening in your marriage is my encouragement. It is a conversation about protecting the marriage as well as talking about behavior that is unhealthy as well–e.g. it may be a red flag regarding substance abuse (not speaking as a counselor here). It is not being controlling to share how such behavior is unhealthy and potentially fatally destructive to a marriage.

…

Side Note:

Obviously, we are each responsible for our own choices and behavior. Adults in these situations do not need permission either way. It is more a matter of warning the other spouse that this behavior is dangerous and that you care too much for the marriage to say you are comfortable with it. They may still choose folly over your warning. But at least, you showed love by speaking up to him/her.