2 Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach…. 4 He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect.
-I Timothy 3:2, 4, NIV
Because divorce prejudice is real and strong within evangelical circles, a pastor is especially vulnerable to a cheating spouse.
The loses for a pastor include a loss in income and career as the church leaders often blame the pastor for their spouse’s sins of adultery and abandonment. They weaponize the verses from I Timothy 3 to hold the pastor accountable for their spouse’s sins.
It is sad but not uncommon.
I recognize this is part of the reason I stayed stuck with my first wife for so long. The losses included a real and present threat to my calling and livelihood.
Faithful spouses who are pastors are often caregivers by nature. So, we are especially vulnerable to the attacks that suggest we look at “our part” in the matter. We want to control what is uncontrollable–namely, the behavior of a spouse who has rejected and soul raped us.
So, it is helpful to have voices around us who remind us that we are only responsible for our own behavior (see 2 Corinthians 5:10). We do not control whether or not our spouse honors her marriage vows. That is on her 100%.
I also think we can do a better job preparing our people for situations like this via providing divorce prejudice busting sermons. We need to get better at reminding people that God does not blame victims of adultery and abuse for their divorces (see Mt 19:9). He is loving and merciful–so, should we be!
