When couples go to other Christians or pastors for help, the usual line of conversation focuses upon the “unmet” needs of the cheater.
The assumptions behind such conversations include:
1) the faithful spouse is to blame for the cheating (in part)
and
2) the faithful spouse did not have unmet needs (or they would have cheated as well).
The first assumption is “The Shared Responsibility Lie.” We are NOT responsible for another person’s actions and sins (see 2 Corinthians 5:10).
The second assumption reinforces the first. And like the first assumption, it is a lie.
The difference between the parties is NOT that one has unmet needs and the other does not.
The difference is one party –i.e. faithful spouse–has the character to realize cheating is never an option even if their emotional, social, or sexual needs are left unmet by their spouse.
With this sort of conversation placed at the forefront, the Christian outsider is placing the well-being of the faithful spouse as secondary to the cheater’s comfort. It is insult added to injury.
Once again, the faithful spouse is blamed for being victimized while the cheater’s desires are placed first over the faithful spouse’s legitimate needs (e.g. like assurances and confirmation that the cheating is over and is not the faithful spouse’s fault).
Focusing on the needs of the cheater reinforces the idea that cheating is a verdict upon the faithful spouse’s performance as a partner as opposed to a verdict on the cheater’s character.
It is not about needs. But if you must focus on needs, please focus upon the adultery victims’ first.
The cheater has already demonstrated that they are more than capable of helping themselves to the detriment of all parties.
