But the people replied, “Don’t waste your breath. We will continue to live as we want to, stubbornly following our own evil desires.”
-Jeremiah 18:12, NLT
Letting go of a spouse is hard.
This is true, in my experience, even if that spouse is a cheater. We married them, and it is a bitter pill to swallow that this person is not good for us.
Adding to this difficulty is the situation when the other spouse is determined to leave. They have not given you the choice. They are “done.”
My advice to the faithful spouse who is in this situation is:
Do not go down the rabbit hole of chasing after someone who lacks the integrity of keeping her solemn marriage vows–i.e. “’til death do us part.”
Whether you are a pastor in this situation or the faithful spouse, it is far from helpful to push “self-improvement” for the abandoned spouse when the problem is really the sinful actions of the abandoning spouse that needs addressing.
A Christian marriage is not a contract where “goods” are exchanged. The spouse leaving because she (or he) thinks it is a bad “deal” is not treating her (or his) marriage as follower of Christ ought.
It makes no difference whether the “goods” is “beauty” or wealth so-called deficits. A marriage between Christians is not contingent on these things. A spouse leaving over deficiencies in these areas is behaving like a heathen without character.
Do NOT chase after them or feed into this sickness by “solving” the deficiency!
That is NOT the problem. The problem is a person–the abandoning partner–who is unwilling to keep vows made before God. I would have saved myself much pain and suffering if I had kept this basic understanding in mind.
It is painful to let someone go, but just as we see in Jeremiah, sometimes that is what is necessary. Some people will stubbornly double down on the evil in their hearts.
My wife cheated, came back because she said she wanted to reconcile. Her behavior didn’t change toward me-room mates effectively-just like before. After 7 months, moved to another city 3+ hrs away to have the job she wanted. says she doesn’t want to divorce. She’s been gone for almost 10 months and I have very little contact with her. Her actions say she’d done, but her ,few, words says she doesn’t want to get divorced. I hate this limbo. It is slowly killing my life. I can’t really move forward in many areas. But I am honestly afraid of the darkness that I will be in during divorce and after.
She likes the “cake”. Cheaters often don’t want divorce because they like the attention they get from you as they yank your chain and watch you dance (the “pick me” dance). Time to see a lawyer and get this situation resolved.
You are in the darkness NOW. Liberate yourself. She is showing you what she is too cowardice to vocalize. I totally agree with Dan and Loren. You will find peace and relief when you are no longer waiting to have the rug pulled out from underneath you. I promise you. It is harder where you are right now.
My 25th wedding anniversary would have been on the 29th of this month. Instead, I will be four years divorced on the 29th. (I’m sure that was no coincidence!) It’s a hard path that we have to navigate. Trust in the Lord. He’s in control and will be with you every step of the way. You will be okay and you WILL feel joy again.
Cheating spouses tell you their heart with their actions. Their words are just noise meant to distract you.