“It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.”
-Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery (New York: Basic Books, 1997), 7-8.
Recently, I was reading a book by Mary DeMuth, We Too: How the Church Can Respond Redemptively to the Sexual Abuse Crisis. The above quote from a trauma specialist really struck me.
Faithful spouses are victims as well.
For anyone who has had the misfortune of discovering marital infidelity, you are painfully aware this is an awful trauma. Your trust was taken advantage of and your well-being was risked by the one person who vowed publicly to remain faithful to you for life.
Next–sadly–we often learn that people are more interested in staying in good graces with the perpetrator of such trauma like the quote explains. It is just easier…
“I don’t want to pick sides,” they say.
“There’s two sides to every story” is their “high-minded” way of washing their hands of the moral imperative to empathize with the victimized.
It is just easier to do nothing.
Pastors sometime know about the adultery, and they do nothing or–worse–pretend nothing happened continuing to bolster the cheater’s reputation. Why?
Because it is highly uncomfortable to have such a confrontational conversation with a cheater over their abuse of the faithful spouse.
The easier thing is to “forget” or ignore the facts about the adulterous abuse. It takes real courage to have such a conversation with a cheater and to name the adultery for the evil it is.
Finally, I also love how the quote highlights the discomfort of taking on the pain of the victim. This, too, is hard. The easier path is to write off the victim as “bitter” and otherwise shame them for “not forgiving.”
The much harder path is joining in empathy with the victim of marital infidelity. It is unpleasant to come face to face with the fall out of such sin. But it is important we do this if we are to be truly Christlike.
I will close with words from our Savior (Mt 7:13-14, NLT):
13 “You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. 14 But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it.”
