“You are saying bad things about me!”
– Cheater
My cheater was very upset when she discovered this blog.
She was so upset that she hired a lawyer and attempted to shut it down (or at least, she attempted to shut down any conversation about her infidelity). Her claims via her lawyer were that it was libel to publish things–even without her name–that stated she committed adultery. Her problem was that such accounts were true, and she had admitted to the sexual infidelity to me in writing.
That threat eventually went away as the truth was highlighted. However, it illustrates a common phenomenon faithful spouses experience:
Cheaters get angry with faithful spouses whenever they dare share even the basic facts of what the cheaters did.
This anger coming from a cheater is a sure sign of a heart far from repentance. The cheater is still trying to avoid the natural consequences of his/her choices and behavior. A repentant cheater accepts the consequences–or at least, does not angrily object to them–and places his/her focus on changing and rebuilding what he/she destroyed.
A cheater has a bad reputation because a cheater behaved badly. In other words, a cheater earned it.
A good reputation for such an individual is a lie. So, supporting such a narrative is a request for the faithful spouse to lie.* Cheaters are not deserving of a good reputation. Committing adultery means such partners destroyed sacred trust via lying and soul raping their respective faithful spouse.
This status of having a bad reputation might change in the future; however, that only comes by rebuilding and repenting.
Now, I do not encourage in purchasing billboards or taking out full page ads in the newspaper exposing cheater names and their dirty deeds to the world. What I advocate here is simple factual recounting of what happened as appropriate.
“My first marriage ended with my first wife leaving and cheating on me. I am much happier now.”
“My first husband had a Craigslist hooker problem. That’s why I am no longer married.”
“Divorce was a mercy for me. I no longer have to deal with my now ex-wife’s affair partners.”
These things sound bad because what happened to the faithful spouse was bad! The conversation on such matters will never change unless we are willing to speak the facts and refuse to be shamed into silence.
A cheater worried about you saying bad things ought to have thought about that prior to doing those bad things. A bad reputation is what they earned all on their own!
One of the first texts I got from my ex post D-day said, “Who have you been talking to?” The answer was everyone. Every one of our mutual friends who she already contacted with her sob story about how bad she felt, all from the OM’s house and telling them that she was at a hotel. She immediately started this strategy to manipulate the people closest to us. Thank God no one bought it and they all relayed back to me the same story. I made sure our friends and her family knew that she told me point blank that she had no intentions of stopping. I did this out of desperation at the time, hoping someone could talk some sense into her. Her ploy served to further damage her reputation and rightfully so. She doesn’t stay in touch with any of our friends anymore.
Sometimes the person committing adultery is so far gone morally, that they really believe sadly, that they are justified in their behavior. Most adulterers really do not care about others. “It just happened” is lame. It reeks “all about me”. In my case, I have learned that the “you are saying bad things about me” protest will never come. And I stopped holding a breath a while ago. The children’s father thinks he can do no wrong. His “protest” comes in other forums – basically in conversations with the children. “Your mother….” When a grown very financially able man refuses to pay child support, it is these kinds of actions that far outweigh any words. Words are so powerful and accordingly, so potentially hurtful. But after the dust clears, it is the actions that count. Adultery is insidious in the damage it does to the core of the family – which is the core of any organized society. As much pain the father caused – for which one day he will be held accountable, I am grateful that his selfishness escalated to a point of no return. This divorce has given our children a real opportunity to see the choices made and if God wills it, open their eyes to the consequences. I do not miss a single day of the selfishness, the divided agenda within one home.
I know sometimes you get a little emotional in your blog, DM – but I think your points are so on target. So carry on! I do like you get a bit heated with respect to individuals who are in positions of spiritual authority who really heap on the salt to those wounded by adultery. The wounded come to someone they believe/hope can (perhaps) facilitate their understanding of why God would permit such pain and .. well like a Pharisee, the leader performs a decapitation. Adultery as said so long ago is indeed soul rape. Keep up the great work.
Mommythree I wish I had the gift of words like you and DM have. You, so eloquently put how my household was. My NSEX waited to be the “martyr cheater”. He waited until both our kids were over the age of 18. He even went so far as to convince our daughter to have the Guardianship of our oldest granddaughter resolved even though she was not prepared to protect her from her biological father. That way he wouldn’t have to pay child support on her. He tells the kids the divorce is only about he and I but also breaks the commitments to our children. He wasn’t responsible for those words said, when we were together.
Unfortunately our adult kids only see me “paying the consequences”. I try to struggle gracefully but if you’ve ever seen an old fashioned greased pig race. The “winning” isn’t pretty.(“life” is the pig in this scenario).
I wish I had any extra money and I would buy plane tickets for my fellow faithful spouses to sit in the courtroom with me this Friday at 1:00pm. Hopefully 3 1/2 years and this being the third court date, will see this over. It just bites to see his mistress and preacher sitting in the waiting area. I do think, of things to protest in this country, adultery should be Number One on the list.
Rhonda – hope it went as best as could go today.