“Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;
say to those with fearful hearts,
“Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you.”-Isaiah 35:3-4, NIV
Cheater contempt.
It is amazing what we, faithful spouses, are willing to tolerate. Or what I was once willing to tolerate…
I tolerated a lot because I did not want to “lose” her. Divorce was always unacceptable, at the time, for me. So, pretty much anything was tolerated.
Some things I accepted back then make me cringe. For example, I accepted contempt-filled statements from my (now) ex-wife avoiding pushing her to be accountable even after it was clear she was a cheater. So, if you have had some of those moments, know that you are not alone. Been there.
I had to grow a backbone. This came after I learned not to look to a woman for validation but to God. I had to learn I was enough, and I did not have to apologize for being me. Only then was I equipped to weather the storms of contemptuous cheater rage when I refused to tolerate any more shenanigans or shut up about the truth–e.g. the fact that she committed adultery.
This transformation did not happen overnight. God brought people into my life to help strengthen my knees.
My hope is that this blog is such a voice for those needing their knees strengthen this day. I know I needed the encouragement and reality-check that I was not crazy to find certain things she did/say unacceptable.
Cheater contempt is a heavy burden to carry. It is good to have friends to help you get free of such a burden and learn never to take it on, again.
Certainly not alone. My ex-cheater actually said “you keep pushing me” when I insisted she make a choice between adultery and our marriage. Looking back, I should have made that choice for us from the get go. Giving her that power was not only a waste of time and futile, but I also inadvertently submitted myself to something evil.
Yeah…I think in that stage we cannot believe they would choose cheating over their spouse. The cold, hard facts are that they have already.
I’m glad I found this blog, as my husband did the same thing – refusing to give up the other woman (and texting other women he’d previously been involved with during our marriage) but then blamed me for “not doing counseling” when the counselor stated that he couldn’t do counseling without giving others up to commit to the marriage. Then when I filed for divorce, he blamed me for “pushing” him to choose her! He still refuses to take responsibility for what he’s done. It’s good to hear and read a voice of reason; sometimes I feel like I’m the bad or crazy person.
Welcome to DM, Jenni! No, you certainly aren’t crazy or the bad person to insist on monogamy from the person who freely pledged it to you (then went back on his vow to you and God).