One thought on “Cheater-Speak: “I had unmet emotional needs in our marriage.””

1. I don’t remember if I shared this article before but it validates everything you’ve been saying ! ( It’s from Affair Recovery).

   Therapist Mistakes When Dealing with Infidelity
   Not a week goes by that I don’t come across a couple that has had a bad experience in therapy. I’d like to start off by apologizing for my profession. We mean well, but few therapists train in the treatment of infidelity and that’s an enormous problem for those in crisis. Take for example our recent “bad advice segment” where we have been discussing much of the carnage created by bad advice. Hopefully, you were fortunate and found a therapist who was knowledgeable in infidelity treatment. If not, I’m even more sorry but hope you and your spouse feel not only welcome but cared for and helped here at Affairrecovery.com.

   I pray you haven’t experienced any of these mistakes first hand, but if you have, please don’t dismiss the benefits of marriage therapy. On the whole, marriage therapy is extremely helpful, but the typical approach used in the treatment of marital issues isn’t helpful in the initial stages of infidelity recovery. At times it is downright harmful. That being said, marriage therapy is a must for many couples if they’re going to succeed. It’s just that a different approach needs to be utilized at the start of this particular type of recovery. If expert help is not utilized, the entire foundation can be faulty which results in a grueling attempt to forge ahead with little to no certainty that what you’re doing is actually going to work.

   The late Peggy Vaughan, a pioneer in the research surrounding affairs, documented some staggering numbers in “Help for Therapists (and their clients) in Dealing with Affairs” (research).1 Based on the results of a survey of 1,083 people whose spouses had affairs, these are her findings:

   Did the counselor focus directly on the issue of affairs? (725 Responses)

   59% focused on general marital problems

   28% yes, but not as strongly or clearly as I’d like

   13% Yes very directly and dealt with the issue

   Was the counselor helpful? (861 Responses)

   57% – No, mostly frustrating

   23% – Yes, but not as much as I’d like

   20% – Yes very helpful.

   How many counselors did you see? (863 Responses)

   27% – One

   26% – Two

   47% – Three or more

   What follows are the seven most common mistakes I see therapists make when treating couples recovering from infidelity. After 30 years of treating couples and individuals in crisis, I’ve seen more than my share of harmful misinformation. I hope this helps you understand a bit of what recovery is about.

   1. Focusing on the marriage:

   The most significant mistake in treating infidelity is taking a cause and effect approach. Infidelity is about a breach of trust and has to be treated as such. While infidelity certainly causes a marital problem, marital problems are NOT the cause of infidelity. Two people can be in a miserable marriage, but typically only one has an affair. Certainly all marriages have problems, but until the marital boundaries are addressed and safety is recreated, the marriage is just not safe. Without an agreed upon level of safety to work on the problems of the marriage, including the breach of trust, one has little to work with.

   2. Discouraging the client from being truthful:

   Infidelity is the keeping of secrets. Intimacy is a willingness to be fully known, therefore infidelity inhibits intimacy. It’s impossible to be loved unconditionally if you only conditionally let another person know who are. Admittedly, disclosure needs to be limited to the relevant details, (too much detail highly increases the probability of intrusive thoughts). Alternatively though, discouraging truth not only inhibits intimacy, it robs the hurt spouse of their choice. The unfaithful mate can never regain trust unless they first trust their mate with the information. Often times the unfaithful spouse doesn’t want to hurt their spouse any further, and wonders why they need to know these jarring details. My question to the unfaithful is, why would you want to control your mate through the flow of information? The only way for trust to be reestablished is to first trust your mate with the information.

   3. Failing to educate the couple about the recovery process for infidelity:

   Much of the recovery process is counter intuitive. The needs of both mates are so diverse that failure to educate leaves the couple thinking the worst of their mate as they attempt to go through a normal recovery process. For instance, women will typically deal with trauma by processing it over and over, but men typically deal with pain by trying to compartmentalize it. If their mate continues to bring up the affair, most men will view that as their mate’s trying to punish and shame them, rather than understanding that their wife is having a normal trauma response. It’s critical for both spouses to understand the many coping mechanisms of both spouses as they wade through the pounding waves of the initial recovery process.

   4. Allowing the unfaithful spouse to blame their mate rather than having them take personal responsibility:

   Far too often (as mentioned in number one) a therapist or pastor or even well-meaning authority figure will look at the problem from the cause and effect perspective. When the unfaithful spouse claims they were unhappy and speaks of their lack of sex, lack of approval, or their mate’s weight gain, the cause of the infidelity is laid at the feet of the hurt spouse. It’s important to acknowledge the existence of problems in the relationship, but it is important to also explain that recovery is a two-step process where first the infidelity is addressed, then the marital problems follow.

   The attachment wound created by a betrayal is extremely disorienting. Without direction these couples will continue to spin helplessly, continuing to damage the relationship in their attempts for personal survival. The process of healing and the steps to that end need to be clearly explained at the beginning. If this isn’t done, the length and difficulty of the recovery process may well cause the couple to feel that they have no way of surviving. It’s at this stage where many couples consider calling it quits: not due to the infidelity per se, but the exhausting inability to find hope and gain any ground at all in their recovery process.

   5. Pushing too quickly to forgive:

   Forgiveness is impossible before cost is established. This isn’t just for the sake of the hurt spouse, but also for the unfaithful. Pushing for forgiveness and reconciliation prior to establishing whether the individuals are capable of being safe enough for the relationship leaves the marriage at risk.

   6. Failing to stabilize the relationship:

   The emotional swings created by betrayal are extreme. It’s imperative that couples have the necessary tools and resources to survive the emotional swings created by the infidelity. Mentor couples, pulse watches, a supportive community, and contingency plans are all necessary for stabilization. Failure to do this leaves them at risk of further damaging their bond and jeopardizes the recovery process.

   7. Failing to provide realistic expectations:

   For most, dealing with infidelity is much like swimming underwater in the dark. They have no idea if they’re making progress or if they’re on their last leg. Providing realistic expectations helps the couple hang on, even when the going gets tough. For instance, most couples will make radical improvement in the initial months of recovery. But, it’s not uncommon for the hurt spouse to regress at about 12 months into recovery due to increased emotional flooding caused by the reminders of the one year anniversary. Failure to forewarn a couple of these rough spots may cause them to feel the process isn’t working and can cause them to give up.

   Here are three ways we try to assist therapists in their work with couples:

   1. Identify the problem:

   We encourage them to utilize the AffairRecovery.com Affair Analyzer (for free) to determine the four axis of the affair and create relevant treatment plans.

   2. Client education:

   We try to assist therapists in communicating realistic expectations for the recovery process. We help supplement their couples’ work with our Bootcamp program and even our EMS Weekend.

   3. Normalize the experience:

   Finally, the AR community helps minimize the isolation and emotional flooding most couples struggle with. As a therapist, I personally know that I can only be available so many hours a day. Having both a community and insight from survivors which is available 24/7 is invaluable. Couples need support at the point of crisis, and that normally isn’t at their next scheduled appointment time. Processing the journey of recovery with others traveling the same course is one of the most effective ways of normalizing the recovery process. A safe and supportive community, along with therapy, helps stabilize couples at their point of need.

   In attempting to heal from infidelity, it’s not just about taking action: it’s about taking the right action. I hope you’ll consider getting help in one of the earlier mediums I’ve discussed in an attempt to get your life back. While it can seem like life as you know it is over, I’d like to encourage you with hope today that life still remains. There is hope and there is the possibility of healing for you. As always if you’d like to talk to someone about understanding the next steps for your own journey, please give us a call at 1-888-527-2367.

   1. Vaughan, Peggy. Help for Therapists (and Their Clients) in Dealing with Affairs. San Diego, CA: Dialog Press, 2002, 2010. PDF.

Comments are closed.