Thou shalt not commit adultery.
-Exodus 20:14, KJV
But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!
– Revelation 3:16, NLT
Some people simply do not engage in ugliness that adultery brings. They claim neutrality or attempt to avoid acknowledging the inconvenient truth that a perpetrator and a victim always exists when adultery has occurred.
This sort of behavior happens with family, friends, and church leaders all the time!
And it happens even when the facts are clear that adultery took place. They say,
“Well, we really don’t know what goes on in a marriage. Only the couple really knows.”
“I don’t want to be judgmental either way.”
“There’s always two sides to a story.”
What they fail to grasp is the reality that such statements are judgments and denote decisions.
Taking the “two sides to the story” or “we don’t know really what happens in a marriage” stances is taking the stance that something can justify adultery.
It is a subtle blameshift–i.e. onto the faithful spouse–as if we knew more then we would absolve the cheater for committing adultery. That sort of “neutrality” is far from neutral.
It is wicked.
And God certainly disagrees (e.g. Deut. 22:22, Jer. 3:8, Ez. 18:20, Mt 5:32, and Heb. 13:4).
As to the “I don’t want to be judgmental” cop out, I wonder if they would say the same thing about a convicted–or self-confessed–rapist (even in the presence of his victim).
Would they suggest we ought to suspend our judgment on such behavior? Do these same people tell a rape victim that they cannot judge the rapist because she must–in some way–have had it coming to her? Would they wring their hands worrying about stating the obvious that a perpetrator and victim exist in these matters?
I hope not. Rape is wrong. It is a crime.
A perpetrator chose to violate a victim.
Adultery may not be a crime–in the USA. However, it is soul rape.
The adulterous spouse is the perpetrator of this sin, and the faithful spouse is his/her victim (among others including God). Those are the facts. And yes, they are ugly, because what was done was ugly and evil.
To be clear:
Choosing “neutrality” is not an option God gives His people.
He roundly condemns adultery as evil and wrong (e.g. Exodus 20:14, Deuteronomy 22:22, Jeremiah 3:8, Mark 7:20-23, and Hebrews 13:4). A people truly following God’s lead on these matters would be incapable of neutrality when faced with the actuality of this sin.
As such, I wonder–just a thought–if choosing neutrality on adultery is a sin? It certainly falls short of God’s standard on such matters. God is not neutral on adultery. He calls it evil (e.g. Mark 7:20-23). That is something the church and pastors ought to consider for their own spiritual health especially if tempted to choose “neutrality.
This post makes me think of a great quote from Albert Einstein, “The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” I think people who are neutral usually fall into two categories: 1)They are ignorant about the seriousness of adultery and once you discuss it with them they get it and change their neutrality and 2)They do not have strong morals or character themselves so they remain neutral to look like the “good guy.” I am blessed because not one of our mutual friends remained neutral. They all told my stbx that they had no interest in being his friend unless mended the situation. That helped my healing knowing that I had such strong support behind me. We did have one mutual friend who was still having lunch out with my stbx sometimes. It bothered me but I just finally confronted him about it a few weeks ago and told him that it was hurtful. This friend explained that he would never want to hurt me or my sons and that he only went to lunch with my ex when ex invites him in hope that he is fully ready to repent and get right with God. He told him last time to not contact him unless he was ready to change. I’m so glad I talked to him because it really cleared the air and it dispelled some things I was assuming about the situation.
I have gone through this with my biological and former church family. Everyone of them have chastised and scolded me for not being able to sit down and work this matter out with my now estranged husband like two mature adults should. My Celebrate Recovery group sponsor even asked me why I didn’t continue having sex with my not-estranged husband a few years ago after the adultery discovery. She said there was no valid reason why I shouldn’t continue having sex with him anyway.
How awful! Yeah, because the risk of getting an STD from an unfaithful spouse is not a valid reason?!
There were so many other malicious acts that my now-estranged husband and his lover have done to me in addition to their adultery over the past few years until late. I can honestly say that I feel so violated and traumatized. I just want to pick up the pieces and finally be healed some how, some way. I need to talk to someone like you and your wife because you understand the depth of the pain, anger, despair, and the need to be believed and validated through all of this crazy-making garbage. Everyone else I’ve tried to explain this to doesn’t understand for one reason or another. Please, help me get to the other side of this. All of the traumatic emotions and scenarios continue to play on in my head even though he and I are no longer together. I see a counselor but only once a month. She is a veterans’ affairs counselor and her schedule is always booked. That is as often as I can get in to see her. I’m not employed right now because I have been going to college full-time instead. I am a single mother who really doesn’t have the income to regularly pay another counselor that I can see on a more frequent basis. I’m not asking you to be my regular counselor. But if you could just help me understand how you got or are getting to the other side of all of this trauma I would appreciate it. I don’t know how long that process will take. And, I don’t want to inappropriately infringe on your time in a charitable way. Please, don’t think I would be trying to take advantage of you. I just need to know how one can get to a healthier place from here. Thank you. I really appreciate you ministry here. You and Mrs. D are a GODsend. Love, in Christ, Sheila
Sheila,
Mrs DM and I would be happy to be of help if we can. Neither of us are counselors/therapists–to be clear–but we would be happy to be of support as we can.
E-mail us (info@divorceminister.com AND/OR mrs@divorceminister.com) if you are interested, and we can go from there in making a connection.
Blessings,
Pastor David
PS Making it as a single mom while going to college full-time during this madness takes quite an overcomer. I applaud you! Way to go!!!
Thank you! I appreciate all of this. I will reach out to you both. Thanks again. GOD bless you and your household and ministry especially during this Christmas season.