“How long will you defend the unjust
and show partiality to the wicked?
Defend the weak and the fatherless;
uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.
Rescue the weak and the needy;
deliver them from the hand of the wicked.-Psalm 82:2-4, NIV
It is not a level playing field when adultery is discovered. The adulterous spouse has access to all sort of information to which the faithful spouse has been denied. If knowledge is power as the saying go, the adulterous spouse has the power. They decide–for the most part–what they will or will not reveal to the spouse whose soul they have just raped.
This is why it is so important as Christian leaders to champion for the faithful spouse in these situations. They are weak and needy in the sense that their lives have been turned upside down, and they are not the ones with the power to set the marriage “right” (other than by divorcing and starting over).
In other words, putting pressure on faithful spouses to be “better” spouses in these situations is akin to defending the unjust. It truly is partiality to the wicked when “The Shared Responsibility Lie” is defended by Christian leaders. They are putting their power as leaders into the wrong side of the situation. The adulterous spouse is the one who needs to feel the heat and pressure. They need to discover humility, not so much the humiliated faithful spouse!
I remember from a DivorceCare session how one spouse often has prepared for the divorce well-before the other. This works for adultery as well. The adulterous spouse has had weeks, months, if not years to weave the web of treachery and develop ways to disconnect from the faithful spouses’ pain/heart.
The faithful spouse usually finds himself/herself out of breath from the sucker punch known as adultery discovery.
They are not playing with a full deck of information, and they are playing catch up discovering the true identity of their adulterous spouse plus trying to piece together the Swiss cheese narrative of their marriage. Faithful spouses are vulnerable in this time. Kicked to the floor. They do not need religious leaders landing more body blows.
What faithful spouses need in these moments are religious leader champions. People who will tell the the truth of the situation and apply pressure where/when needed on the adulterous spouse assuming he/she has not already fled the scene of their “crime” so to speak.
In Psalm 82, we see God instructing the rulers to look out for the vulnerable and powerless. This instruction is as pertinent today as it was then. We need more religious “rulers” willing to look out for the powerless–i.e. the faithful spouses and their children–and fewer doing the wicked’s bidding.
DM, I’m really struggling right now. Hurting just from remembering how he treated me and wasting time wondering what I could have done for him to justify that. I wonder how he can sleep at night knowing all I gave up for him and how he threw me to the curb. But I know pondering all that stuff is dangerous and sends me into a depression cycle. I need God to comfort me. I need God at my side for strength. What can I say to myself to calm myself and remind myself that God is already with me? Do you know of a quote from the bible to give me comfort that I can learn and repeat to myself and calm myself? Thank you.
Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me. – Proverbs 27:10, NIV
That verse ministered to me when feeling the acute rejection. May it give you comfort as well.
-DM
Thank you. And bless you.
@movingliquid
I completely understand.
I agree with DM.
I spoke to my mom today about similar issues myself.
My mom suggested I find 3 versus that speak to me and if I am having difficulty choosing the 3 verses, ask the Holy Spirit for guidance. She told me what verses she uses when the enemy attacks her, but those speak to her and may not speak to me in the same manner. She said I need to have these versus ready for when satan is attacking me with issues I thought to have worked out already. We need to be prepared at all times with the Whole Amour of God. So when we get attacked with feelings depression and inadequacy, we will have scriptures to fight back the devil.
Just a suggestion. I will be working on my 3 cause, the triggers have been coming fast and furious lately and I have a non-wedding anniversary coming up. I gotta build up my strength. 🙂
I pray you find the comfort and peace you need.
DM, your words are very true. My spouse, a pastor, cheated on me with a female pastor. He was punished by the church and told he had to seek mental health counseling to retain his job – he declined and blames me for everything that went wrong. The female pastor was told to examine herself closely but no other punishment. I let him come home. Now it is 18 months later, he wants to leave and go back to the other woman because I decline to be very active in church. Why should I be active in the church that allowed the two of them to ruin a marriage? Why didn’t anyone from the church reach out to me? Why didn’t they check on me to see if I was all right? In 18 months, I’ve not had a single word from anyone in the church? I put over 25 years into supporting my husband in the church – I taught Sunday School, I served on committees, I was in worship, I sang in the choir, etc. and you’re leaving because I won’t be active in the church that hasn’t had the decency to even check on me?
bepositive,
That is truly awful! Makes sense to me that you do not want to attend that particular church. Sounds like abandonment on top of betrayal. Also, it is disturbing that they only had your husband go to mental health counseling and not the female pastor as well.
Glad you found your way here, bepositive! I hope someday your experience will be the exception and no longer the rule as it seems today. Some good churches and Christians who actually care do exist. I have found that myself. Someday, I hope you find those people as well.
Blessings,
DM