Dear DM, I read Piper’s book and thought I had to stay in my marriage.

Hi DM –

Today was rough for me. A woman at my church asked how I was, and I answered where things are at…awful and that court is next month.

Once she learned we were actually divorcing and not just staying separated she shared her stand that divorce is always sin, and how God hates it, how hard it will be on the kids, how because JESUS forgives us we just forgive and that forgiveness and reconciliation are one and the same if it’s true forgiveness.

She went on now JESUS didn’t mean sexual immorality within marriage, but it meant only the betrothal period and basically to her, she shared this all in love, because she doesn’t want me to do the wrong thing…she married a divorced man before she knew this and she shared how messed up it is for the kids to go through life with step families etc.

It was especially hard for me because I had read [John] Piper’s book in 2012 when the first d day hit and I held onto it and thought it meant I had to stay. When I found out in 2016 he had cheated physically one more time in 2013 after our reconciliation, I made the difficult decision to divorce him. He made a short lived effort to ‘win’ me back, but once he knew I was serious, his anger flew and hasn’t stopped. It just takes different forms.

I wish I could just say I don’t care what she says. But because I used to think that it hit a nerve, and it’s so hard. 

Deciding to divorce him for adultery was the hardest thing I ever did. I just could not continue on in a destroyer marriage full of lies anymore. Not to mention all the mental health stuff and other awful deep difficult issues involved.

It would be easier if all of us Christians agreed. But we don’t. I want to please the Lord. I hate what my kids are going through. But as I see it, that’s a result of his choices, not mine!

She spoke to me of other couples who chose to stay together and of the legacy they left behind…forgiveness..reconciliation…a family for their kids and compared that to what I am choosing…divorce and a lifetime of hurt for my kids.

She acknowledged that in our case she thought we needed a legal separation, but she said it would have to stay at that, otherwise you know, divorce is a [sin?] and why divorce unless it’s for the purpose of remarrying?

I had a lot to say in return including just because I want a divorce that does not mean it’s for remarrying. I don’t know what God has in store for me, but this marriage is now dead.

The conversation left me upset and deflated. This is not the first, second, or third time I had this happen. I am not his Savior. I will forgive but not stay married to him.

JESUS tells me to forgive so I will! I don’t see JESUS telling me to stay married to him!

I was thankful to come home and look up your response to Pipers stand so I could remember what he said etc. And why I don’t agree.

In the end, I feel sad and sick about this devastation and never wanted this. I don’t feel ‘peace.’ I feel necessity and a deep hope that God will keep using my life, and that I can have a legacy of love and trust in Him through it ALL!

Any reply would be great.

Thank you,

A

 

Dear A,

For starters, I hope you give yourself some grace. 

Please cut yourself some slack. It is okay to struggle with this person’s unwanted feedback. Many here–present company included–can relate to your experience. You are not alone.

On to what you wrote,

Once she learned we were actually divorcing and not just staying separated she shared her stand…

She is not entitled to speak into your life!

If you wanted her opinion on divorce–and that is all this is her opinion–you could ask. Part of dealing with these characters is firmly reminding them that they have trespassed on your soul and that is unacceptable!

They are NOT the Holy Spirit. Forcing their opinions on you is a prideful thing to do and far from loving. More on that later…

…because JESUS forgives us we just forgive and that forgiveness and reconciliation are one and the same if it’s true forgiveness.

I am not going to go through how each of her stances are unbiblical as I read Scripture. However, I do want to pause on this particularly ludicrous one.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are NOT the same thing. By that thinking murders and rapists ought never to go to jail when they victimize Christians as Christians are REQUIRED to forgive and reconcile with them.

That idea is wrong, dumb, and dangerous!

Moving on…

She went on now JESUS didn’t mean sexual immorality within marriage, but it meant only the betrothal period and basically to her….

This idea sexual immorality only means in the betrothal period is the John Piper position on the Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 exception clause. My rebuttal can be found here and here.

…she shared this all in love, because she doesn’t want me to do the wrong thing…she married a divorced man before she knew this…

Saying your are doing this in love is not the same thing as truly acting in love. It is not loving to trample on someone’s heart like this, and generally to act in pride as if her opinion is the “RIGHT” opinion on the matter.

What she did was NOT loving but prideful.

And this brings me to my next point: What she says after this reveals her real motive. This isn’t really about you at all. It is about her.

She is offloading her own sense of guilt and shame for marrying a divorced man upon you. This isn’t about loving you but rather “loving” herself.

It was especially hard for me because I had read [John] Piper’s book in 2012 when the first d day hit and I held onto it and thought it meant I had to stay. When I found out in 2016 he had cheated physically one more time in 2013 after our reconciliation, I made the difficult decision to divorce him.

You are an example of why I have very strong feelings regarding John Piper’s teaching on this matter. His teaching puts faithful spouses at risk for further abuse–as I believe infidelity along with all that goes with it is abuse–and even STDs from their cheating spouses who they are not “allowed” to divorce.

I wish I could just say I don’t care what she says. But because I used to think that it hit a nerve, and it’s so hard. 

What I have learned in these scenarios is that usually this happens when I partly agree with the person. The trick to getting free is to refute that part of me that agrees with the destructive argument.

And it makes sense that you would agree as you were following Piper’s teaching in the past that she foisted back upon you. Remember in this that Piper is just one voice, and a rather extreme one on this issue at that!

When Piper is more conservative and strict on divorce than those who wrote The Westminster of Faith (1646), you know his view is hardly THE ONLY TRUE position on the matter. Godly Christians can and do disagree on divorce. So can you! 

Jumping down a little bit:

I hate what my kids are going through. But as I see it, that’s a result of his choices, not mine!

Precisely. And please do not buy into her slant that they would be free of pain if you stayed with your cheating husband.

They would still be children with a mother who was repeatedly soul raped by their father. 

She spoke to me of other couples who chose to stay together and of the legacy they left behind…forgiveness..reconciliation…a family for their kids and compared that to what I am choosing…divorce and a lifetime of hurt for my kids.

I strongly disagree with this straw man that she is painting. You are modeling to your children a godly insistence on righteousness and holiness. You are modeling to your children that adultery is serious and has consequences. You are modeling to your children that God is merciful and provides a way out for the victims of adultery to escape such abuse.

I suggest that is better than modeling the opposite. It is better than teaching them that adultery is acceptable and a “good Christian” tolerates such abuse via covering it with nice sounding words like “forgiveness” and “reconciliation.”

Avoiding pain is not in the cards for your children because your husband decided to blow up the family with his adulterous sin. This is a buffet of bad options.

At least by choosing divorce, you are not modeling ungodly forgiveness–i.e. forgiveness without reference to repentance (see Luke 17:3)–and adultery toleration to your children.

She acknowledged that in our case she thought we needed a legal separation, but she said it would have to stay at that, otherwise you know, divorce is a [sin?] and why divorce unless it’s for the purpose of remarrying?

So, is suggesting you must be cheating already if you are choosing divorce? What a lovely thing to insinuate to an adultery and abuse victim.

Sure sounds like a thing a person who saying these things to you “all in love” would say. Yeah, right!

Now, I do not have any problem with faithful spouses remarrying after a divorce. If God says that we can divorce an adulterous spouse, that implies we are free to remarry, IMO.

Yet the choice to remarry or not is up to the faithful spouse. They do not have to remarry.

Moving along…

In the end, I feel sad and sick about this devastation and never wanted this. I don’t feel ‘peace.’ I feel necessity and a deep hope that God will keep using my life, and that I can have a legacy of love and trust in Him through it ALL!

You are in the midst of the battle. It is no surprise you feel unsettled by it all as your divorce isn’t even final. Once again, I hope you will extend yourself some grace and self-compassion on that number. Such feelings are to be expected under such fresh wounds and pressure.

And as you continue to walk this out, I am sure God will–and is–walking with you. He promises to never leave you (see Hebrews 13:5). And God has a way of honoring those who genuinely seek after Him.

 Any reply would be great.

Hope this helps some.

May God surround you with His peace beyond understanding and comfort on this difficult journey!

-DM