Joshua Harris is the author who wrote the purity-culture books I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship. 

If you came of age in the ’90s (or later) in the conservative Christian world, these books were unavoidable. Their ideas were taught all over the place as the way to go for Christian teenagers and young adults trying to figure out their sexuality.

Sadly, many people were harmed by the teachings in these books. I am not just saying that. Even Joshua Harris agreed and apologized for putting out the harmful ideas of I Kissed Dating Goodbye pulling it from print last year.

This is all context for his recent announcement (click here for full text) regarding his separation from his wife, Shannon.

Before we dig into that announcement, I would like to do some basic teaching about what it means to be a Christian leader according to the Bible. The obligations we have are rather large.

Let’s consider a charge given to a young Christian leader:

Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.

-I Timothy 4:16, NIV

These words are words charging pastors–especially young pastors–to pay heed to how one lives as well as to what one professes or teaches as beliefs–i.e. doctrine. The verse suggests both are important for the followers of that pastor.

Notice: An assumption of privacy here is NOT made.

The author I Timothy assumes people will be watching the life of the spiritual leader as an example. This is important to note:

Without a doubt, Joshua Harris is a leader in the Christian world–whether or not he wants that title today.

Because people are watching his life as a Christian leader, this recent statement troubles me greatly.

First, this statement is unclear. It might simply be a statement about separation as it says explicitly OR it may be a way to say “divorce” without saying “divorce.”

Here is what he wrote: 

“We’re writing to share the news that we [Joshua and Shannon Harris] are separating and will continue our life together as friends. In recent years, some significant changes have taken place in both of us….Thank you for your understanding and for respecting our privacy during a difficult time.”

-Joshua Harris (Instagram/harrisjosh)

The idea of continuing “as friends”–implied NOT “as spouses”–is suggestive of divorce. 

A reasonable reader might pick up on this and conclude that they are really talking about divorce. As such, the statement is even more troubling. If this is really a divorce announcement, then you have some really bad theology of divorce being taught here.

Plenty of evangelical denominations–like my former one–would defrock Joshua Harris if he was ordained in their denomination and only gave this explanation for his divorce (if it is one).

The explanation of “significant changes” in a person alone is not a biblical reason for a divorce. We all change significantly in many ways and aspects as we age; yet, I fail to see such change generally as a reason given in the Bible for divorce. Abuse, abandonment, fraud, and/or sexual infidelity like adultery are what I see in the Bible as justifiable reasons for divorce, not “significant changes.”

But we aren’t supposed to press about this. That is what the statement says: “Thank you … for respecting our privacy….”

This plea for privacy is rich coming from someone who rose to prominence in the evangelical, conservative Christian world by teaching my generation “the right” biblical way to (not) date and find one’s spouse. 

You don’t want people watching or prying into your life? Then do not become a nationally known Christian pastor and teacher. It is that simple. This “bad” comes with the “good” of prominence, influence, and wealth.

In fact, you don’t even have to have a national platform and big name recognition for this to be true. Even a pastor of a small town church would have to expose the basic details of his marriage’s demise if he wanted to pastor most evangelical churches. That pastor is neither very famous or a well-known “expert” on biblical romantic relationships. 

My point is the privacy boat sailed a long time ago.

That said, I do not rejoice in this sad news of separation (divorce?). However, I am troubled by the lack of awareness of how Joshua Harris is still teaching–whether he likes it or not–by how he talks about this situation.

Does he want people to learn that divorces just happen over “significant changes?”

That actually angers me. It trivializes the hell I went through when I got divorced and dealt with the church community fallout.

Plus, this statement gives the “never-divorce” crowd more ammunition in talking about all those people getting divorced for trivial things. So, I hope this is not the last public word about the ending(?) of their marriage. 

If one can write, sell, and promote two books about how to “biblically” get married, maybe you can give more than one paragraph about how you make sense of your own marriage’s ending–even if only via separation? Just a thought.