And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.
-2 Corinthians 11:14, KJV
While discovering adultery is awful, I think some of the more lasting pain comes from the positive experiences one had while married to a cheater. These memories–whether built on a lie or not–suggest things could have been otherwise. Reflecting upon them is like reflecting on a Greek tragedy where you see both the beauty and the great loss at once.
Remembering such events evokes a truly poignant feeling.
People who have not experienced such loss may not understand. They may be too busy distancing themselves from the reality that they are vulnerable too. In such, they might cast faithful spouses as knowingly duped as if cheaters walk around with horns on their heads and pitchforks in hand. Yeah, right!
Part of grieving is coming to peace with these positive memories. It is matter of acknowledging that yes, they exist. However, it is also an acknowledgment that one’s cheater decided such memories would forever be consigned to the past due to his/her moral failures. The future of new positive memories with them is lost.
As a saying I’ve heard goes, “Name it to tame it.” You are naming the positive memory so as to “tame” it. Like cataloging pictures from a trip taken many years ago, you are recognizing that you had fun back then, but that time is now over, and you are putting that memory away in its proper place. It no longer will clutter up your present or dictate your future.
Do I have positive memories from my first marriage? Of course, I do. And that is okay. I am entitled to my own emotions and memories.
But that does not stop me from daily looking at Mrs. DM and Munchkin, and thanking God that they are my family now!
My present is too busy to be cluttered with the ghosts–of even positive–memories of the past.
And I praise God for that!
Thank you for writing on this DM. This continues to be a hurdle for me. After 20 years of memories it really is a process to let go of the good memories. I can’t understand why my stbx wants to taint our children’s wonderful memories with his abusive behavior. That’s one of the things I really had to understand about narcissism. Once you have been exhausted as narcissistic supply you and all the memories of you can be easily thrown away. It seems so evil to me. One of the things that has helped me let go of memories the most is to change out all of the pictures around our house and replace them with pics of people who truly love and support me.
Actually, all the memories become negative. For me, It feels like 30 years of lies and deceit, and the only ” good times” were actually a ploy on my cheating spouse’s part to keep me blind to her cunning and deceitful ways. I have had to black out the 30 plus years we were together from my memory banks as the realization that they were built on false premises and that I was a fool to be played in that manner is too painful for me to bear.
That’s a lot of loss, jeff. How awful! All of us have to find our own way through our grief, and I hope whatever path you choose helps you to find real peace.