There is more hope for fools
than for people who think they are wise.–Proverbs 26:12, NLT
They traded the truth about God for a lie….
–Romans 1:25a, NLT
Cheaters can come across as so confident in their lies. This confidence has the power to make even the most stalwart faithful spouse second-guess their instincts, hard evidence, and reasonableness.
It’s a vortex created by the cheater’s shameless confidence in lying.
A vortex designed to suck you into their warped sense of reality.
Many cheaters are able to lie so confidently, in part, because they actually believe their own lies of this I am convinced. They have exchanged the truth for lies.
So, the battle becomes standing firm in the truth when confronting a cheater who is given over to lies.
It is not controlling to demand the end of a relationship with the Other Man/Other Woman as a precondition for marriage restoration. That is called setting a healthy marital boundary.It is not unreasonable to require full, unfettered access to all accounts–Facebook, financial, and otherwise–following infidelity discovery. That is called transparency and is a baby-step towards rebuilding the trust the adulterous spouse utterly decimated by cheating.It is not “unforgiving” to question suspicious behavior of the other spouse after infidelity discovery. That is called a natural consequence of having one’s trust so viciously broken, and a repentant cheater would offer compassion as opposed to the ‘See, you’ll always hold this over my head!’ line.It is not “unchristian” to refuse to take the focus off the adultery until the cheater repents. In fact, that is precisely what a godly Christian would do–i.e. rebuke a sinner (see Luke 17:3) and refuse to settle for anything less than godliness.It is not “uncharitable” to say the marriage was destroyed by one spouse’s adulterous sin. God viewed this sin on its own as full grounds for ending marriages, and He did not seem to care about any investigating other “sins” when instructing His people to end such marriages ravaged by adultery (e.g. Deut. 22:22, Lev. 20:10, Jer. 3:8, Mt. 19:9).
I get that keep these truths in focus is hard. The vortex is strong. Hence, I encourage faithful spouses to surround themselves with friends, pastors, books, blogs, and therapists who see or present such things clearly. It helps having such no-nonsense people in one’s life.
Amen!
I have a question. Does that kind of pastors, counsellors, family members, and friends exist aside from you and your wife, as well as, secular counsellors? I have, yet, to meet any.
I think that they do. There was a minister on dailystrength.com who I was friends with. He didn’t understand why I stayed married to my ex when he would not keep his vows of fidelity. When I finally filed for divorced, that minister sent me a message congratulating me on filing for divorce!
That vortex is very hard to stand up against for many women who want to or have left an abusive husband. (Because adultery is just another aspect of abuse.) Victims/Survivors need to be reminded, almost on a daily basis. So glad pastors like you and others are speaking out and helping to defend the sheep from these wolves. Keep up the great writing!
I have a thought… Not sure if this is the best place for it but whatever…
I am stuck continuing to search for proof of my truth. It is NOT because I question it or don’t trust myself, it is for the following reason…
*the cheater who is adept at lying (mine) can EASILY read this blog site and claim complete role reversal*.
I am not concerned about what others think. Actually the friends he has who may believe his twisted version of me as crazy, are likely the friends who are naive as I once was to the ability of a seemingly ‘great guy’ to lie so blatantly… Funny he compartmentalizations these folks out of my reach and should I talk to them, it would be futal…
And so I continue to search for evidence to back up my truth should it be necessary… hence delaying my recovery… It would be a blessing if some person came forward with truth, like the OW… But she too is married… What a mess..
Thoughts?
We do this because we are in grief. It is a difficult truth to accept–i.e. our spouse has betrayed and lied to us like he/she did. It actually part of the healing process to get to a place of acceptance for ourselves. My point is to be kind to yourself…it takes significant time to heal from such a deep soul wound.