The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know.
– Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), French Philosopher, Thoughts, #277
It was three years ago this past Monday…
….when I was served the divorce papers by a marshal on my way to celebrate my graduation from my very first unit of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE).
That day seems a lifetime away.
So much has happened since that awful day–i.e. mostly good things.
But, apparently, my heart still marks the day.
This past week I have had a heavy heart. Tears come more readily than usual. It may be a combination of both this anniversary as well as my preparation to share my heart on divorce and remarriage this Sunday at Westwood Church.
And that is okay.
My heart has it reasons. It still remembers and grieves its dismemberment from just three years ago. The tears say what happened matter. What was lost was not worthless but very precious to me.
Lost dreams.
Lost innocence.
Lost wholeness.
While sad, I share this as an encouragement if you feel yourself close to tears some days around your own personal negative anniversaries. Be kind to yourself.
It did matter!
You did lose something precious for I believe–from Scripture (see Mt 19:5)–part of us is forever lost when we are rent from being one with someone else.
And it is okay to be tearful about it.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Grieving does not mean something is wrong with you. It is a perfectly normal response to loss.
Anyone who has lost something or someone dearly precious to them understands grief does not have an expiration date.
The anniversaries have ways of awakening the feels around the separation from our beloveds. It is like the heart has its own calendar with these dates permanently imprinted and will awaken us to the reality they have arrived whether or not we are willing to be kind to it.
I encourage you to be kind to your heart.
Allow it to be sad (or mad) or whatever it needs to process the loss.
Hugs and blessings,
-DM
Thank you for this. I needed this reminder to be kind to myself. It’s difficult to process the sense of loss, anger, sadness – all jumbled up together. I could never have imagined that my marriage would be a farce…a tragi-comedy…like the joke was on me and the kids. Lots of people knew but since my ex is high ranking at his work, didn’t say anything – they were watching the drama and waiting for the implosion I suppose. I feel foolish for being the only committed one in the marriage (the cheating started as a newlywed). They were 28 wasted years with him but I am so very grateful that the amazing gift of my children came out of it. I look for the positive things in life but wonder if I can ever fully trust again and I know my children have lost some innocence (which may be good so they aren’t hoodwinked like I was). So glad you met Mrs. DM and that she is the wonderful silver lining to share with the congregation this Sunday.
DM,
A beautiful post! My greatest healing has been by sitting…. in….. my pain…. and rocking back and forth and witnessing it while saying out loud “Pain, pain, pain.” With the understanding that it will pass….This process of recovery from betrayal…. is like water and follows it’s own course
Koyoko, even 5 years out from our “Discovery,” I still feel a burning sense of shame that people at my husbands practice knew about the long term affair. I lost years…and wished someone had sent me an anonymous letter.
And agreed! How wonderful as Koyoka said, DM that you found Mrs. DM and can face all this and help others – which you both do.
Very grateful for your blog and I view you as a spiritual warrior in the best sense
Much love to all
v
DM,
Yes, grief does take time to process and a broken heart is a serious thing. When did you find your heart truly understood that your ex wife’s infidelity was not your fault? I logically know my husband’s infidelity was not my fault but my heart doesn’t seem to know it yet. I feel tortured by feelings that it was my fault still. Any words of wisdom on that?
I think we keep torturing ourselves because we want to think we had some control. That was true for me at least. Peace came when I looked at the evidence that made it abundantly clear that I could have done NOTHING to stop her–from cheating or divorcing me (I struggled more with the abandonment/divorce part than the cheating/adultery…however strange that might sound).
I had to evict her lies–or really Satan’s lies through her plus her cohorts–from my head. That took time. Mrs. DM actually helped in that process while we were dating. We almost broke up over a persistent lie about my character that she triggered. Mrs. DM stuck with me and helped me see it as a lie.
Hope that helps. It really is about recognizing and reminding yourself of the truth.
-DM
Thank you, this did help. I think I do want to feel I had some control. What if I didn’t pray enough? What if I should have “made” him go to counseling? What if ….? I could go on and on. I, too, know I could have done nothing to stop him and that he really doesn’t care about me or our kids. I just need to continue to fight the “what ifs” that Satan puts in my head.
I too struggle more with the abandonment/divorce than the infidelity. I’m glad someone else understands this. Thanks.