When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. – I Corinthians 13:11, KJV
It is past time the pastors and church leaders wake up and grow up. We live in a world where evil exists. And adultery is certainly evil according to God (e.g. Deut. 22:22).
When I went through my marriage dissolution and discovery of my former spouse’s adultery, I was ill-equipped to deal with the spiritual reality of this situation. To be blunt: I was childishly naive. So, I write this blog today as lessons learned from those experiences for other Christians dealing with the evil of infidelity.
Spouses exist who will lie with ice in their veins when confronted with their infidelity by the spouse of their youth. And spouses exist who will try to triangulate well-meaning pastors and church leaders into their “justification” game in beating up the faithful spouse. I know because I was one of those faithful spouses who experienced this first hand. If I had not experienced these things, I might have continued in my blissful, naive Christian ignorance about the existence of such people. But that didn’t happen.
I went through hell.
And God is redeeming those experiences here on this blog.
So, today’s post is about putting away childish notions about the world. It is a wake up call to leaders to recognize evil exists and people exist who willfully choose to live for evil. This is a call to arms–so to speak–for one cannot reason with evil.
One must confront it!
To such ends, I am passing along the following resource from a Christian Christian counselor, Leslie Vernick, on these matters. An alert reader sent it to me, and I agree it is an excellent resource full of Biblical wisdom. It helps in grasping the gravity and severity of the problem confronting a faithful spouse and a Christian counselor after discovering infidelity has ravaged the marriage (click on the article title below to read it):
“5 Indicators of An Evil and Wicked Heart”
I too was super naive before I went through my husband’s adultery and abandonment. I was sure evil was obvious like in Hitler and Ted Bundy but now I know better. I thought the little red flags in our marriage were just temporary issues. Now I can see that they were an allowance of smaller sins into his life that built up to full blown evil behavior. For a while I questioned if his issues were simply mental illness and not evil but now I am sure that it started with some mental issues that he refused to confront and allowed it to turn into evil. The amount of pain and heartache he has caused for me and his children and his refusal to repent or apologize can be nothing but pure evil behavior. My family and I continue to pray for his heart to soften and for him to confront the evil surrounding him but we haven’t seen one hint of change. I, too, want to take my pain and use it to make a difference in some way like Divorce Minister. I pray that God will open that door for me some day when I am ready. All of us victims can make a big difference but confronting the evil of adultery out there.
BHB,
As a professional chaplain, I do not think mental illness and evil are mutually exclusive. And I do not think mental illness and evil ARE the same thing either. One is a disease, and the other is a moral category. That said, Satan loves to exploit areas of weakness. Perhaps your husband had a mental illness vulnerability? I do not know. He is 100% responsible for his choices, though.
-DM
DM- I have really struggled with the concept of mental illness vs. sin/evil when it comes to my husband. I think it is confusing because I would have to say my husband definitely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder which is listed as a mental illness yet the characteristics of NPD are downright evil. In the book “People of the Lie” the author, who is a Christian psychologist ,says that Cluster B personality disorders start with mental issues that are ignored or blamed on others and once they make it to Cluster B severity it is just evil. To me that is similar to what you say about Satan exploiting weaknesses. That makes a lot of sense to me. I have accepted that it doesn’t matter if it did start with mental issues, my stbx chose to not get help and chose to sin over and over. That’s on him. Your blog has helped me get to acceptance. Thank you.
Great article! I love your blog! People of the lie is a very good book, as well. These people are the wolves in sheep’s clothing. Satan always preys upon a person’s weakness, to cause a person to reject God’s & his holy word. These people are usually damaged from childhood, & they allow a root of bitterness, (angry resentment) to grow, which causes them them to become (reprobate) evil. They reject God along the way & his good word, in their lives. Their (life’s) tree produces bad fruit, and/or are a tare. This is evident by their evil unrepentant heart & their sinful, vile words & actions. Hebrews 12:15.
I believe this to be true and initially thought it was just me attempting to demonize my ex out of anger. That was until I read that committing adultery breaks 7 (I believe) of the 10 commandments. Seven! And how it can lead to a hardened heart, reprobate mind, rebellious spirit. So while you’re not running around with horns and a pitchfork, you’re no doubt a hot sinful mess. My only hope and prayer is that through God’s love he brings painful circumstances to my ex, who knew better, which according to his word, makes his chastening worse, or turning her over to her sin worse. While I don’t see it, I have to believe it.
Agreed. We can always hope (and even pray) our exes will experience God’s mercy and actually repent escaping the fire of Hell. Sadly, the Bible seems to indicate at some point God gives us over to our sinful, fleshly desires (see Romans 1:24). I am of the mind to believe Scripture when it teaches such people exist who are walking examples of having been given over to such sinful choices and desires.
BrokenHeartedBeliever, I could have written what you just said! Same here! But I also know that my ex just keeps doing the same destructive things over and over. I will pray for him, but he needs to want to change for the better. So in the meantime, as painful as it is, I have to move forward with my life. It hurts horribly, but the alternative is futile. I cannot make him change.
Deacon B.- Wow 7 of the 10 Commandments! I hadn’t thought of it that way but you are spot on! Too bad our world acts like it is no big deal.
Roberta- I too am making myself move on. I know that is what God wants for me and my boys but it is so hard. I valued my family more than anything on earth but I guess my stbx did not. You are right we cannot make them change, not even God can make them change because He gives us free will. I’m sure God has urged all of our spouses to repent and do the right thing and they have all ignored Him. Now that’s evil.
If you have the opportunity, Google “adultery: it’s far worse than you think.” I believe that’s where I found the list of the commandments broken.
Amen, Roberta. It isn’t easy, but it does get better as we move forward accepting reality–even if it is a hard reality. Blessings on your journey!
DM, it’s the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in my life! Worse than the death of my parents which I thought was the ultimate heartbreak. But I have to move forward. I agree with BrokenHeartedBeliever, I know God protected and helped me in so many ways during this horrific time. I was diagnosed with lung Cancer, had surgery and survived. Then close on the heals of that shock I contracted MRSA which got so bad I nearly died and required surgery to save what was left of my lung. No sooner was I cleared by the doctor then the ex wanted the mediation done! He couldn’t even wait for me to heal! Total evil! I turned it over to God totally and surrendered to him. I figured he had me in his arms and hadn’t brought me as far as I had come to watch me suffer any longer. Turns out I was right. The settlement offer my ex said he would never sign was agreed to in about three hours of mediation! I am certain it was and could only have been God who intervened! No one can convince me otherwise! What my ex meant for my harm, God turned into good! Now I need to take the time and not rush anything, I know I will be sure what God wants for me when the time comes. But I do accept that my ex is on his own and it is on him to either change and repent or face the consequences. It pains me, but God has a plan for me, I know it! He has a plan for all of us broken hearted faithful spouses. The misery is finite!
Roberta- Your faith is inspiring! Your story is amazing. Thank you for sharing! I, too ,am putting myself in God’s hands. Recently, I requested a court appointed family evaluation to fight my stbx getting 50% custody. I prayed and prayed and trusted and God blessed me. The evaluator report came back with court appointed counselor saying that my stbx should get our kids every other Saturday until he takes months of parenting classes and counseling, then if he completes that then every other weekend. This is a miracle in a state that his hardcore 50/50 custody. Our miracles and blessings will continue!
Broken Hearted Believer, it seems anything is possible for God. I never lost faith even when it looked as if things were not going in my favor. I naturally got upset, but the bottom line was I kept my faith that God was with me and it would be just fine. The Almighty already knows exactly how our lives will play out. He asks only for us to be faithful and believe. So even inmy darkest of days it helped to know God had it well in hand. It gave me peace at times when I had to come face to face with my ex. There was this almost surreal feeling of calm that I know is totally contrary to my personality. And the more calm I was, it seemed the further my then STBX would dig a hole for himself, by lying bold face to attorneys, etc. I didn’t even have to break a sweat! Trust God! He knows all and handles these lil’ demons pretty well! Wonderful to hear about your triumph for child custody! I wish you well on this journey that none of us wanted to take!