“Why do the wicked prosper,
growing old and powerful?”-Job 21:7, NLT
Cheaters sometimes–or even often–seem so happy and carefree. This includes even when their cheating ways have been uncovered by the victims–i.e. the faithful spouses. On the other hand, faithful spouses often look depressed, anxious, and angry following infidelity discovery.
They’re “twitchy.”
In this post, I am advocating for empathy for the “twitchy” faithful spouses.
They are “twitchy” for good reasons:
1. The cheater has the power in the relationship as they are the spouse that knows what they did while keeping the faithful spouse in the dark. It is easier to be carefree when you have the information that completes the narrative. That is where the cheater stands. On the other hand, the faithful spouse is left with gaping holes in the marital narrative. He or she was just hit by the bus labelled “SOUL RAPE!”
Wouldn’t you be “twitchy” too if you just had your soul violated and were left wondering when or if it would happen again?!
2. Knowing the narrative includes have time to scheme. Some especially cruel cheaters paint their adultery victims as either crazy or abusive (or both) in order to stay in control. So, when normal grief over murdering of the marriage hits the faithful spouse, people are more likely to view it as the cheater being right about the faithful spouse being crazy than as the natural consequence of a faithful spouse being soul raped.
Wouldn’t you be “twitchy” too if you were disbelieved and dismissed as crazy or abusive because of your cheater’s successfully laid plans to protect his or her image?
3. Often times, faithful spouses are financially vulnerable to cheaters. Money is power. It can be used to launch terrorizing and harassing legal attacks. And people’s good will can be bought. It is a sad fact of life.
When you are in financial need and anxious about your life’s basics, it is very hard to be carefree. It is hard to trust God’s promises to provide for our needs.
Wouldn’t you be “twitchy” too if you were about to be sued out of your food, shelter, and clothing by your once beloved spouse?
These are just a few examples. More could be said. Faithful spouses have good reasons to be “twitchy;” so, I hope we all can cut them some slack.
Aside from the money issue, which , thanks to my parents, is NOT an issue, this is EXACTLY my situation. My ex does nothing but lie, and live an extremely promiscuous life and enjoy a reputation he in no way deserves. I, on the other hand, am not believed or supported, even by my sons, and am not considered a reliable source of my own life. Considered unstable because I am depressed after years and years of being lied to, cheated upon, and devalued. He has all of the story. I know little tiny bits of it that I’ve been able to piece together.
Were it not for the very real presence of Jesus Christ in my life, and the love and joy the He gives me, daily, the sorrow would wash me away. God is so good. I thank Him for your ministry. I thank Him for this pain and the new life it’s bringing. So much better than the lie my ex immersed me in. It’s amazing the beauty that God makes out of the ashes. For those behind me, in the deepest, darkest days of this experience with evil – HANG ON!! You’ll see- the pain is more than worth the joy.
Dearest Lee, Amen to all you expressed!
At one point, one of the counselors (in our community of faith) was so convinced by cheaterpant’s account of how ‘crazy’ I was, they nearly succeeded in having me ‘committed’. Even my own Dad, who was & is totally on my side (a faithful Christian man himself) was so convinced by cheaterpants son-in-law, that he was also trying to find a way for me to ‘work through’ my sudden ‘insanity’! With all they have done to us, it is no wonder we come across as a bit ‘nutty’!
Have you been on ChumpLady’s site? If not, please go there ASAP!
Between our loving God, DM and Tracy (aka Chump Lady), all of us faithful spouses have all the tools, info, love support and so on that we will ever need to come out joyous on the other side.
Love to you as you….ForgeOn!
Been there, and wow. Thankyou!