Divorce Minister is Rev. David.
I am an ordained minister and professional chaplain with extensive leadership experience in the healthcare world.* I have survived the infidelity of my first wife, divorce, and an ecclesiastical trial to retain my minister’s license following my divorce. So, the pain of infidelity compounded by toxic “Christianity” is something with which I am all too familiar.
More importantly, though, I know God’s personal love and regard for me as His beloved son!
Academically, I hold degrees from Carleton College in philosophy and a Master of Divinity from Yale University. Also, I completed five units of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) including a full year residency in this intensive form of training that helps pastors specialize in giving competent pastoral care in clinical settings. Furthermore, I am a Board Certified Chaplain (BCC), which means I have met the professional gold standards set for the field of chaplaincy in providing emotional and spiritual care with excellence.
I write this blog to be a resource to break the silence on a much misunderstood issue in the evangelical church as well as to support those who have experienced a spouse’s infidelity and/or divorce.
On this blog the terms “infidelity” and “affairs” encompass both sexual and emotional cheating (this is the same stance as the AAMFT, Focus on the Family, WebMD,Ā Dr. PhilĀ Ā and other infidelity blogs/forums). Adultery is reserved for sexual affairs.
My conviction and experience is God’s good news is good news to those who find themselves in the valleys of infidelity discovery and divorce. He is ever near the brokenhearted!
As a testimony to God’s faithfulness and greatness, God made beauty out of the ashes of my dark night in the valley. Almost two years to the day that my first wife abandoned me chasing after other men, I happily married a beautiful woman who values my heart and loves the Lord.
Mrs. DM is bilingual in Spanish, holds two Master degrees in education and has quite a few half marathons and full marathons under her belt. In addition to that, I am now a father to her young daughter who is truly the delight of my life.
God has filled my heart with joy and laughter again.Ā So, I can and will testify through my life story to the truth of Jesus’ words in the Sermon on the Mount (Mt 5:4, NASB):
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
Yes and amen.
*The views I express here on the blog are my own personal views. They do NOT represent any of the entities or organizations to which I belong. I speak for myself. Also, what I share on these posts I believe to be true. Finally, I am NOT a therapist or medical provider. If someone needs such assistance, I encourage that individual to seek qualified and appropriate help.
Great site Chaplain David. Enjoyed our phone conversation the other afternoon. Look forward to talking with you more when I return from our family campout. God bless!!!
Bishop Dennis
Thank you for this blog. It’s long over due! I’ll be sharing this site with many, many people who could really use the encouragement. Thank you again!
Pam
My honor, Pam. Thank you for sharing it with others! I hope they find healing as the God of all compassion, hopefully, speaks through my words.
I am very thankful for this site. I always wonder if maybe I am on the fence about Christianity (at least the Christianity that I have encountered). Turns out that I am not on the fenceāI just donāt like toxic Christianity that further damages people. This is a breath of fresh air.
I came upon this site after not visiting for sometime. In the past I made some I believe contributing remarks hopefully. Also had a good email conversation with the pastor. But what brought me here today after church, because I worship on the sabbath, I saw or thought about this website because of what’s happening in my family amongst my children right now which is quite dramatic for us. There is infidelity in adultery. I am devastating because I and my wife thought they would be the last ones that would ever experience such. I myself had some problems over the years with an embarrassment wandering mind and I went into lustful imaginations from such that my wife had problems with it. In other words I was involved in emotional and psychological adultery. However my wife and I know that the words are discourse in Matthew 5:28-32. I’ve fought those tendencies for many years and sought counseling some of with the principles in those scriptures. But only a convicted Christian
would be doing that through godly repentence to overcome. Fortunately it never evolved to full blown actual physical adultry with a real person.
Other things I’m in a different call was a loss to a job because of the behavior it happened as by getting involved with the one of the of the newer employees. Thus 8 years of great management skill and performance, great salary and authority all lost over a short time once discovered. Enter in a new born child our grandson is in the pictures as well as the 1st they had today despite 3 miscarages. Counseling has been introduced into the picture but unfortunately they’re mostly getting secular counseling. The grandparents are Christian but ministering to the victim my daughter. Grandpa is an former pastor.. My daughter wants to reconcile because of her Christian believes that she was raised with. We hope her husband will come to true repentance but he hasn’t gotten to that point yet to see that he’s really doing anything wrong believe it or not!Thus I pray that that would change it be a conviction and go onto godly repentance and godly restoration. Amen
The term toxic Christianity has been used several times on this website blog. Could some participants please give me a good clear definition and example of some of those that they refer to as toxic Christianity? Thanks
I just found this site….it is a desperately needed word for my wounded soul.
Welcome, Tracy. May you experience God’s loving care for you as you read the blog. That’s my hope for and others who visit here.
Dear Divorce Minister,
Can you please help me know how I can perceive my stbx’s status? After 28 years of marriage, he left me for another woman in November. I have had little contact with him. What I want to know is, how do I know if he is an adulterer or if he “only” is having an “affair”/”infidelity” as defined above. I have not asked him if he and the OW have had sex – nor will I. His truck has been seen at her house late into the night, he has gone on various weekend trips with her staying at hotels, and he spends everyday and most evenings with her. It sounds like from what you say above, that it makes a big difference biblically as to whether or not they are having sex. I consider him an adulterer at this point, but maybe that is wrong of me to do so.
Thanks for you insight and your website. I have found it to be very helpful!
Becky
Becky,
I’m sorry to have to tell you this. However, a reasonable person would assume they were having sexual intercourse from what you just wrote. When dealing with my ex-wife’s attempt to sue me over my truthful claims regarding her committing adultery, I was told by lawyers that having the sort of proof you just described (overnight stays in a hotel room together) from a trustworthy source would be enough to prove adultery (I had a written confession along with other evidence as well). Hope that “helps.” My heart goes out to you as that is truly awful!
DM
Love your site.. thanks for bringing hopes to millions of us struggling with this horrible quandary. I tried desperately to stand by my husband but he pushed me away with both hands and continued to dishonor me. I cannot put up with this treatment and I don’t want it modeled to my sons. Divorce sucks, it’s not what any of us want but I trust that God has a plan for my life and will continue to rely on him for strength.
Sad in ATL,
So glad you found your way here! Thanks for the kind words.
God does have a plan for you life even if divorce becomes part of the story (Jer 29:11). He specializes in turning ashes into beauty. Never forget that even when it is tempting…been there myself in the past.
Blessings,
DM
Thanks for addressing such a heart wrenching issue within our churches. I was a pastor when my now ex-wife left me and our two kids. I stepped down to care for my family. Four years later I find myself divorced, and feeling like God is done with me. I am not sure which is more painful, my marriage ending, or realizing the call I have pursued since I was 16 is simply gone.
chuck2336,
God is not done with you. You are still alive, and that means hope still exists for God to use you as He has called you. Think how long it took for King David to assume the throne. I bet he thought God was done with him a time or two. Or think how long Joseph waited to see his prophetic dreams realized. I have to imagine he felt like giving up a time or two as well. But God did not give up on them. Please, do not surrender your call as if it is permanently dead.
You have experience the Church dearly needs. Not all churches will unbiblically push you aside because of this experience. I hope you find one of those. They will be blessed in having you–a true treasure and precious gem. God never wastes our pain or trials even if Satan is involved or just human depravity.
Blessings,
DM
Hello and Greetings. Your blog is HUGE with a wealth of information. I hang out at particular spiritual abuse blog, and took a hiatus for about 7 months of commenting, mostly because I just needed a rest from the stress of it. This topic of divorce/remarriage comes up from time to time, and some take a hard line John Piper stance. They also have a hard line Matthew 18 discipline process, too (which I am totally against their interpretation of the proper use of). The particular spiritual abuse blog relates to those in the various Calvinism denominations. I am not Calvinist, however. I’m just a non-denomination Christian. But because this topic comes up from time to time, I had to wrap my head around it. I, like you, disagree with John Piper’s stance on both divorce, and remarriage. Well, just yesterday, a woman on John Piper’s Desiring God Facebook page, posted a comment seeking advice about her marriage citing both emotional and spiritual abuse. And because I had posted a comment long ago on a spiritual abuse blog, I chimed in my two cents about the topic, based on my research. I’ve also posted comments on other blogs that are against divorce and remarriage, and after I got done commenting, I stump them at their own blog post, and they end up scratching their own heads.
I’d like to email you as to what my comment was to her, and have you critique it, if that would be OK? I’d like to do a cut and paste of my comment, but I need to tweak it a little more to add a few more points that I didn’t mention to her. What is interesting about her seeking this advice is mostly because her husband…is clergy. She is claiming spiritual abuse by a clergyman husband. I will await permission to email you and while I await your response, I will read thru some of your articles. I’m glad I found this blog. This is an important topic to me, as in this case, and others, it deals with spiritual abuse.
Thanks much,
Ed Chapman
Go for it…my email is listed under the contact tab.
info@divorceminister.com
I needed this website back in 2008 after I found out that my wife of 18 years had had multiple affairs with different men. I’m so thankful for this website, and blessed because it took me many years to recover both my value and my faith. I remember thinking at that time and even telling my pastor to find me one man who is went through this and would be willing to talk with me, but we couldnt find any help. A well-meaning counselor gave me the book is torn asunder by a Christian counselor, and I remember reading that book and feeling re-victimized. I also received council from other men who had not went through the same ordeal as me, and some even tried to make me feel guilty for divorcing my wife. Nevertheless, the Lord in his gracious mercy provided divorce for this wounded man. Today I am remarried to a wonderful Christian woman, and we are happily married.
Welcome to DM! Your story is really why I created this resource. I am so thankful that we–faithful spouses–can now connect and form support systems for each other via the internet.
I’m glad to have found this site. I am a product of believing if I loved my husband enough everything will work out. My pastor encourage me to forgive my husband for his infidelity and was quite please when we reconciled. Unfortunately, I was the only one who reconciled. I have decided to divorce my husband and have not told my pastor of my current marital problems or my current plans to file for divorce. I know my pastor means well in his counseling but I decided that God has not called me to live in this type of dysfunction. The sad part is that I do truly love my husband and wish he would do the right thing by our marriage. However, his actions has shown me he have no plans of doing that and that myself and our marriage rank pretty low on his priority list. I have hope and faith for a brighter future.
Noelblessed….It seems to me that Pastors LOVE the word “reconcile” and forget the spouse that’s been devastated by the infidelity! Stand strong, you deserve better! š
Let us always remember Godās example of divorce and remarrange and forgiveness. This goes way before the days of Jesus and the gospel message. What about God with his 1st bride Israel and her harlotry, spiritual adultry( idoltry and unfaithfulness. This went on and off for centuries as you well know. He always passed judgment upon her but once she repented he restored her to himself. So what I take out of this even if you go through the principles of divorce that Jesus cited and take into account the words of Malachi the God hates divorce, and then even if someone whoās is married to one recklessly unfaithful wants a biblical divorce perhaps God can bring them( the guilty oarty) down so low like Israel that they will have godly repentance and prove it to you so that you can remarry. This of course is if no one else married again. And you can tell youāre adulterous spouse that if they remarry they will be an adulterer still even if stay faith to that new partner. Of course they have to show true godly repentance over a long period of time to win back your confidence and trust. Also remember that even though youāre not the guilty party, some people have reservations about marrying a divorced person. May be unwanted baggage that was not dealt with. Thus much counseling may be needed to move on.
I had my first marriage annulled over 3 years ago and has remarried. I am also a pastor who has experienced what you refer to as “toxic” Christianity. Great site and more power to you.
So happy to have found your ministry. Such a desperately needed voice in this world of inept Christian leaders trying to counsel victims in destructive marriages. Thank you thank you and God bless you.
Thank you, EM, for your kind words! Glad you found your way onto our digital “shores.” And I agree, the counsel out there from Christians usually is often stuck in unhealthy and unbiblical, subculture commitments to avoiding divorce in all cases.
Thanks for ministering to those affected by divorce. It is my daughter who is going through one right now. She was married for 7 years to a man who (unknown to us) verbally, emotionally and physically abused her. Thank the Lord there are no children. He has some physical disabilities and was diagnosed with M.S less than a year after their marriage. He holds down a full time job and has a master’s degree so not completely disabled. He told her since he is partly disabled that scriptures such as loving your wife like Christ did don’t apply to him. After a year of unsuccessful counseling (he told her he was not going to do anything the counselor suggested and that she was the one who needed to change) she finally left after accepting that this emotionally destructive marriage was ruining her health and threatening her sanity. She was living in a closet in their home to avoid him. Both of them are Christians and attended church every week together (they lived in another state so we only saw them a few times a year). The pastor tried to help but my son-in-law did not want anyone to know they had issues. He was like Jekyll and Hyde, putting on a smile and being polite to everyone but her. I am devastated by this. Right after they separated, I felt strongly that God was telling me the marriage would end and the sooner I accepted it the better. The worst part is she no longer wants to be part of the church, at least not for now. She has a new man in her life and he is a nice guy, but not a believer. I would appreciate your prayers for this heartbroken Mom and for all involved. My husband and I are strong Christians and have a happy healthy 37-year marriage. I have been grieving over this divorce and I agree with the comments on your page, this is worse than the loss of my Mom also the same year.
Thank you for making this blog. You have brought me relief in this time of horrific suffering as I deal with my wifeās affair. Youāre the only person Iāve found who admits the truth: adultery is evil and rape of the soul.
Without boring you with the details, my wifeās affair has ruined every aspect of my life. But whatās so sad is that this evil, which I believe is worse than murder, has become acceptable, and I would argue this is by the forces of Satan himself.
Do you realize, David, that in America in the early 1800s, there were less than 1000 divorces per year? In Russia in the same time period there were less than 100 divorces annually. But these days weāre supposed to believe that divorce rates over 50 percent are ānormal.ā This is not normal and contrary to the laws of God.
And look at the laws of Augustus, Justinian, Paul I, etc. For all of human history in all societies before the āmodernā world, Leviticus 20:10 was the norm. As everyone reading this blog knows, this is a benevolent law, for the incidence rate of adultery would fall 99.9 percent were this law brought back.
The problem is that we live in a Godless society with non-Christian laws and a media/education system that encourages/normalizes adultery. So I really think the only answer is to look outside our society.
My solution was to move to the Philippines as a result of this evil. Here, they still respect the laws of God and forbid divorce on Christian grounds. If my future wife commits adultery, I can take both her and her affair partner to court, and they will do some serious hard time if I want them to. Unsurprisingly, the threat of these consequences means divorce is almost unheard of here, not that itās legal anyway (you can only get an annulment, which is nearly impossible).
I have no intention of ever moving back to America. I havenāt found a woman Iām ready to commit to yet, but Iād rather live alone here than in a society where this heinous crime, adultery, can be committed with impunity.
None of this solves the terrible trauma I have to suffer with on a daily basis, though. Almost 2 years after discovery, I still canāt even read a book or focus on a movie. Itās like just staring at a flickering screen like a dog. I can watch the whole movie and wonāt have a clue what happened because my mind and heart are so broken. I canāt even work. It hurts me to say this because I know it is a sin, but I can only write this post because I drank some wine.
Anyway, thank you for your blog. You have truly brought me great relief as Iāve referred back to your posts for over a year now. Just reading content from someone who calls adultery what it is really brings me a great sense of consolation. Iāve read almost all of your posts. I just hope you realize that with every word your write, youāre helping another human being cope with such extreme evil.
Hello DM, Iāve enjoyed reading your site for years. I decided to start my own blog related to my recovery from an abusive relationship. Along the way, Iāve discovered that men suffer from abuse at the hands of women as often as women suffer abuse from men. Iām creating a blog that allows men and women who are recovering from abuse to work together. I think your blog offers a wealth of information. May I place a link to your blog on mine?
You can view my blog at http://www.powerfulbeautifulwise.com
With gratitude ā Ali
Please do! The more people exposed to it, the better. Thanks!
I added a link to your website. Thank you! – Ali
My wife, soon to be ex-wife, has consistently been meeting with one of our best friend. This guy has a Masterās in counseling and he and his wife counseled us for a couple of months about a year ago. The interesting part is that after we decided to seek other counseling the guy completely stopped all forms of communication with me and he was one of my closest friends! My wife, however, kept meeting with him and I have written evidence that he is āhelpingā her through divorce. Even my kids look up to this guy.
Am I over reacting in thinking this guy (one of our closest friends- or so I thought) is have an emotional affair with my wife?
She would no longer speak to me about the issues we had in our marriage, many of which were my fault. No question she was getting the emotional support some where besides me. Wouldnāt a Christian counselor recognize that they have clearly chosen sides and it would be best to send the wife back to the husband so they can work things our? What God has bound let no man separate…..
I expect to be served divorce papers any day now. I never wanted this, but knowing she had been āemotionalā with this person makes it easier to say goodbye. Thanks in advance for any insight you have in to this matter as my reasoning has been distorted given the emotional nature of these circumstances.
Mike,
I responded to your comment in today’s post:
http://www.divorceminister.com/mailbag-is-my-wife-having-an-emotional-affair-with-the-christian-counselor/
-DM
Thanks. You are very insightful.
I had hoped that I would be impressive enough for my wife so that she would not continue to treasure memories with old BFs. Reliving treasures, enthusiastic connections and postings on FB, despite my requests that they not do that are very disappointing. And, with FB and other social media, all family and friends see what is happening.
My wife loves an old Dolly Parton song that asks if old fond memories still cross the former loverās minds. I think lyrics like that feed hurt and problems.
I donāt think she has laid a hand on an old BF, but she has remained connected in her heart.