“You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” – John 8:44, NASB.
If you have ever talked with other survivors of infidelity or read the literature describing cheaters’ excuses, you will soon discover the lies cheaters tell are very common and unoriginal. It is as if they were given the POOR CAUGHT CHEATER’S BOOK OF EXCUSES. A couple of old standbys in this book include lines like: “You drove me to cheat by your ____(weight gain, overworking, frigidity, lack of attention…insert use of tailored-made grievance here)” or “God would want me to be happy” or “Our marriage was always just a lie.”
What has struck me of late is how none of the Christian literature on the subject that I read actually identifies an explanation for such coordinated lying and abuse of faithful spouses. For a serious student of Scripture, the explanation is obvious:
It is demonic.
Scripture is very clear that Satan is the author of lies. It is his nature. Furthermore, we know that he makes plans or schemes to destroy us (see 2 Cor. 2:10-11, I Peter 5:8). So, what can we conclude about the origin of a situation that is marked by a common set of coordinated lies designed to destroy lives and marriages?
It is pretty obvious.
Satan and his demonic minions are involved.
Now, this does not mean the cheater is absolved for his/her choice to commit adultery. “The Devil made me do it” will not cut it on Judgment Day. Nor should such an excuse ever cut it in any Biblical pastor’s office.
The adultery and accompanied lies are 100% on them. They opened the door and welcomed the demonic in with open arms. Now, they are dining with them. The only way out is through repentance and asking God to come purify them. In fact, they may even need deliverance.
Back to the passage from John quoted at the start of my post: notice how Jesus’ words are about the Pharisees, and He does not mince words about their own responsibility for lying. They chose to lie. It is on them. However, Jesus is also instructing us to realize that we exist in a spiritual world. A world at war. As Paul states, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places” (Eph. 6:12, NASB).
I write this post to remind us all of this spiritual reality. As my last post talked about fighting lies with the word of God–i.e. the Sword of the Spirit, I want us to always keep in mind that we are in the battle and even more so if we find ourselves dealing with adultery. Do not drop your sword and do not concede ground to Satan’s lies.
God’s word is mightier than the deceptive darts of the Evil One.
Never forget that.
Thank you’
I don’t doubt Gods plans for my or my kids but since the revelation of my husbands infidelity and the depth of lies and depravity my faith has taken a battering and I struggle with how God could ever use such a mess. I am so glad that you have started this site and that CL put up the link today. I feel like I am coming full circle.
I already have found comfort from what you have written. I will be signing the divorce papers shortly. I have struggled with the concept of sin and divorce. One element that my husband has keeps bring up is the idea that if there was not sexual intercourse, there was not adultery. He has been involved with a coworker who he describes as his best friend for 30 years. Not me. I saw texts from her saying “I love you” about 4 years ago. 1 year ago I found emails professing eternal love for each other. But, he tells me there is only friendship. There was the usual texts (up to 3000 per month), phone calls, (while I was out of town), the emails. I cannot prove a physical relationship, but his AP filed for divorce at the same time my husband told me he was going to leave. He became physically and emotionally cruel the more I tried to change things and give him reason to stay. He moved out just before her divorce was finalized. So, back to the point. Is this adultery? I want to divorce with a clear understanding of what he has done. Yet, there is this nagging idea that if he denies sexual contact with this coworker, I am wrong. I am emotionally beat up and my husband totally excludes me from his life and ignores me, but has not filed for divorce. I am trying to clear this last doubt from my mind. Are you able to help me with this clarification in the christian point of view?
This is a tough one. I feel for those going through these situations where an EA is confirmed but a PA is not as clear. It is much more tricky figuring out the Biblical application in these. Personally, I find it doubtful that a PA is not happening from what you just shared, though. I knew of EAs long before the PAs were confirmed in my case, fyi.
That said, I would probably classify your situation under the abandonment by an unbeliever clause found in I Corinthians 7:15. We are instructed to allow an unbeliever to leave in peace. If he told you that he was physically leaving and has demonstrated unrepentant unfaithfulness (emotionally–minimally), I would say this qualifies under Paul’s teaching here in I Corinthians 7. However, I do not know the full extent of your situation and hope you can find a good pastor who can discern more clearly what may be happening guiding you through this applying church discipline upon your unfaithful spouse (yes, emotional unfaithfulness is unacceptable as well).
The appropriate tack–in my opinion–would be to put your husband under church discipline for his EA (see Mt 18:15-17). If he continued his sinful EA, then it would be clear that he has chosen to live as an unbeliever and I Cor 7:15 would apply in that case. That is how I see it.
Pat-An affair doesn’t have to be physical. You have clear evidence that it’s an emotional affair, which is still cheating. Emails, the phone calls happened while you were out of town, coincidence? No. 3000 texts to her? Um, yea, I don’t even send 3000 texts to my BFF a month. Heck I have unlimited texts and haven’t ever gone above 1000 in one month. 3000 texts to someone, especially of the opposite sex, who’s not your spouse/blood relation is out of line. Him saying he’s going to leave right as the AP files for divorce is also suspicious. The nagging feeling you have about being wrong is gas lighting. Cheaters use that to make the faithful spouse feel like THEY’RE the ones who are out of line. Be on your guard. Don’t fall into the trap of gas lighting. You are sane. You have evidence.
Thank you for this message. I love this site as I am so troubled by my decision, even tho I am pretty sure it is the right one. I don’t think God would want me to live this way. I no longer ask “why” of God. I only ask for guidance. I look toward the day I feel a sense of peace and one with Him. Right now, the days are bland and colorless. I miss Him.
Guidance comes in many different ways. I pray for my heart and mind to recognize these moments.
I came here via Chump Lady and will be back. I have a blog about narcissists/psychopaths and the damage they do, one of the huge ones is their infidelity. Many of my visitors struggle with their religious beliefs and leaving their abuser. By the time I left my faith was shattered into a million pieces. It has been over 3 years and I am healed and my faith, although still bruised is mending also.
I am passing along your site to my followers. I think it will be a big help to many. Thank you.
Carrie
Thank you, Ladywithatruck! If I hadn’t had a solid faith prior to my experience of being cheated on, I think I would have left the church due to all the spiritual abuse I experienced–especially at the hands of my former spouse and her family/friends. It is often hard to differentiate between authentic Christianity and false examples. I find it instructive that Jesus takes the religious folks to task the most in the New Testament. In other words, even Jesus found that people speaking in His Name often were not.
I just finished reading a book called The Emotionally Destructive Marriage…I highly recommend it!
Emotional affair…physical affair…verbal abuse…emotional abuse…it’s all covered in this book and let me tell you…the church has been WRONG on the advice they have given women (and in some..a few…cases…men!)
Leslie Vernick is the author and she has a blog also http://www.leslievernick.com
Go there…read it…get educated!
The guilt from my husbands EA and his passive aggressive behavior was eating me alive…WHY couldn’t I forgive him…why couldn’t I be the “perfect wife” because maybe if I prayed more…or better…then God would hear my prayer…but my H never changed, so it MUST be me! I’m doing it all wrong!
As my granny would say, “Hogwash!!”
Here’s just a snippet from Leslie’s blog…http://www.leslievernick.com/category/adultery-2/
I hope it’s ok to pass this info on…It’s just that I’m really steamed over the lack of leadership in the churches today when it comes to infidelity…and how women are being led down this path of guilt and shame, so I want to get the word out there about Leslie’s book and blog…so women…and men…can be FREE!!!
I love what I see on your blog so far….I’m going to keep reading! 🙂
Interesting thoughts – I have shared them too. My x is a Minister. He had been heading down this path for a few years, but when we moved is when he snapped.
Shortly after BD I saw what I can only describe as a demon in the dining room of the rectory. It was very dog like with a very angry human face walking on it ‘a knuckles. It was quite large.
A few months ago my daughter described it to me lurking around the cemetary. It scared her, but it took off – Thank God.
I have always had intuition and I feel that this thing is a projection of all the anger, sin and hatred bottled up inside my x.
Anyone else have any similar experiences?
For 3 years I have struggled and prayed for my husband to come back to me and the kids after he left me for a younger woman who he says is his soul mate. What’s made it worse is that I suffered through verbal and physical abuse, as well as several affairs he had with other women during our 9 year marriage. I certainly don’t want to go back to that nightmare but I kept trying to fix the marriage because I thought this was what God wanted me to do work and because I wanted my kids to grow up in a home with both parents. Recently, I have felt resentful that I am not allowed to be angry or to leave praying for the marriage (and taking his crap) and move on because I am Christian. Reading blogs like yours gives me comfort that God does not blame me and will forgive me if I choose to close the chapter on this marriage. Thank you for helping me envision a better tomorrow.
sundaybabe,
Thanks for the kind feedback. Glad to hear that you are finding peace going forward. As I write on the blog, God is very clearly against adultery, and He does not tolerate it (e.g. Jer 3:8). We don’t need to either.
Blessings and hugs,
DM
DM, your reasoning of why the cheaters all say and do very similar things is the first answer that actually makes sense to me, it’s demonic. It all comes from the same source so it has to all be so similar.
Your blog has brought me so much comfort. I pretty much read it daily. I appreciate your writing style and just laying it out there for what it is.
As my name reflects, I’m trying very hard to forgive my STBXWH and his many affair partners, some that i don’t know all the way to the one I considered a close friend. Not that any of them have asked for forgiveness. Of course not. None of them did anything wrong. But I feel as a Christian, I still have to forgive. I am trying. But I can’t forget. My heart still aches.
I filed for divorce almost 2 years ago after he came home to get his stuff and became physically abusive. I realize now the emotional, verbal, and mental abuse had been going on for years. I fear that maybe cheating had always been going on, but I trusted so blindly it never surfaced. That lasted until one of our kids outed him and their best friend’s mom. Then it all hit the fan. On the outside, we had been the Cleaver family. But on the inside we had been falling apart for a while. Approximately three years earlier, he had told me, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. I didn’t know that was a huge red flag warning sign for an affair. I asked if there was someone else, but of course he denied. We did a little pastoral counseling, and I continued just working on me. I took all the blame. It must be me. I’m beginning to accept that it’s not all me. I will take 50% of the blame for the normal stresses of marriage and family. But I refuse to take the blame for his cheating. Being a child of divorce, providing our children an intact two-parent family was my strongest desire. But one person can’t do that by themselves. In fact, a few days before he left, I was begging him to change his mind. He told me that he had prayed about it and God had told him that our kids would be okay. Well, I have never believed that it was God’s voice that he heard. Our kids are not okay with it and never will be. This leaves scars even in the best of situations.
I am not sure why he is dragging this divorce out. He is the one that wanted a divorce although I am the one that filed for it. He took everything that was paid for and left me with everything that had debt. I am trying very hard to do what is right for me and our children. This is a long, hard road. Thank you again for the encouraging words you give us each day.
4giveCant4get,
Thanks for your kind words. And my heart goes out to you and your children. That’s a very difficult place to be. I want to encourage you: Your kids are not doomed just because you are divorcing. Don’t own that lie. It is from the pit. God is bigger than divorce (which is not a sin for you), and bigger than all the demons behind adultery. Model godliness and righteousness for your children. Let them see a woman who loves the Lord and leans on Him through this ordeal not accepting any of the lies. Yes, this will be tough. But our God is bigger and able to help us overcome any sin against us by “man.”
Blessings and hugs,
DM
I totally agree. I’ve seen things that really I can’t explain coming through all this stuff. I love chump lady and her advice but I do believe in God and Jesus 100%. Several verses have brought me through this: It rains on the righteous and unrighteousness. Bad things happen to everyone period. In fact we are promised that. And then the one that you quoted about this being a battle of spirits, not flesh and blood. We may think we “go our own way” but we really never do. We either glorify God or Satan with our actions. It’s really I think, Gods little joke (not that it’s funny) that as much as the godless insist on their own way, they really all act the same. You aren’t the boss of me, I’m so independent that I act like everyone else!! Of course when I first confronted my husband about his insane behavior, there was no one else, and how dare I even ask him about such things!! But I prayed and prayed that God would really bring everything into the light and He has. It’s isn’t pretty by gosh, but it’s out there. Thanks for your stance on adultery btw. Please pray for me. I haven’t followed through with divorce yet and I’m not completely sure of what God wants me to do. Also my car has been repossessed (it’s is my husband’s name) and I need a way to work. And I’ve got small kids. Luckily I found a way to a bible study after school but it’s hard.
May you experience God’s great provision and be filled with God’s wisdom in all these situations, Kay! Amen.