I remember attending a popular Christian divorce ministry. This ministry puts a great deal of effort in “preventing” divorces and emphasizes how costly they are.
Another aspect of this ministry was how they emphasized owning “your part” of the divorce.
I believe this emphasis is a subtle blame shift.
The subtle part is the assumption that you might get another divorce if you do not do this work. That implies your divorce is a direct consequence of YOUR sins, not your cheater’s.
In the Christian world, this takes on a feverish pitch because they do not want to face the reality that we are all vulnerable to divorce in this modern age.
Whether we own our “sins” or not, we could get divorced because of the sinner we married. We do not control them.
Yet those uncomfortable facts are avoided by this emphasis on the victim of the adulterous abuse and discard. It is as if they are suggesting through such exploration that the victim brought it upon themselves.
You don’t want to repeat your (divorce) mistake, right?!
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am all for self exploration. However, I find this sort of exploration less than helpful in certain contexts.
At least in my experience, the last thing I feel faithful spouses need in these contexts are explorations looking at their sins or flaws. They need encouragement and words to build up their confidence.
