…and then it all made sense…

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Relief.

The months of stone-cold or downright cruel responses.

Warmth disappearing overnight like a Minnesotan May blizzard.

It all started to make sense.

I wasn’t imagining things.

The Other Man.

He existed.

Had existed for months!

This is one of the strangest and most surreal parts of discovering infidelity. The moment of confirmation is not only a painful one. It is also a moment of validation.

I felt relief.

Pieces of the puzzle in my head started to make sense after months of madness.

And I know I am not alone in such an experience.

It is not a mercy to a faithful spouse to be left in the dark about the infidelity. This just adds to the suffering already present.

Being kept in the dark makes things all that more tortured and confusing for someone who already feels his or her soul being bludgeoned yet does not know exactly from where the blows are coming.

*A version of this post ran previously.

9 thoughts on “…and then it all made sense…”

  1. Your first two sentences perfectly describe my experience of my wife once she began having affairs. I loved her very much and I was a very happy man until the affairs started (we had been married 30 years and raised 6 kids together before she went off the rails). I just thought the change in her
    disposition toward me was menopause for about a year until I discovered the betrayals. We are in our fifties. When I first discovered her affairs, I thought she would repent, since the truth had come to light. But she has instead hardened her heart and initiated divorce proceedings. I am looking to the Lord daily for healing and hope.

    1. I’m so sorry Scott. For three years I have hung in there with my husband as he has sworn he didn’t have an affair. I recently and accidentally discovered two email addresses on his phone.

      I was actually getting a confirmation number with his phone in my hand because it looked like he had opened a fb page on our computer.

      Just after the confirmation number came thru, 2 email addresses came up underneath. He swears he has no idea why.

      The first one is his name with the year we were married@ Hotmail. The second one was the first letter of the name of the woman I suspected followed by 5 dots which would spell her name@ Hotmail.

      I was actually able to get on both emails using their phone numbers but couldnt answer the security questions. He still denied it.

      A friend told me that you can google an email to see if a person has a profile. Sometimes they have a picture. She did it for me and there was a picture. It was the woman.

      My husband still denies it. How would they show on his phone if they weren’t emailing? We’ve been in counseling. He told the counselor he doesn’t know how.

      I left him! He still swears no idea. We have been married over 30 years with grown kids. I’m feeling crazy!!

      1. The denial of clear evidence and the accompanying crazy feeling is a sure sign of gas-lighting. You aren’t crazy. As Loren recommends, I hope you find your way over to Chump Lady (if you haven’t already).

    2. Like Pharaoh in Exodus, sometimes they choose to harden their hearts even though they know what is right. That is on them, the cheaters. However, it is still stinks having to deal with all the losses, betrayals, and grief.

          1. I was actually getting a confirmation number on his phone as it looked like he was opening a fb account on our home computer. I had his phone getting it. When the confirmation number came through, two email addresses came up underneath.

            The first was my husbands first name with the year 82 ( the year we were married)@ Hotmail. The second one was directly under his. It was the letter S followed by …..initials@ Hotmail. The dots filled out would spell the name of the woman who helped start this mess. Almost four years ago.

            I told him. Of course he had no idea.

            I also spelled out her name and saw it was a legit email. I wondered what she would use as her password. I tried her phone number. It worked!

            Hotmail said since I was logging in from a different device that I would have to answer the security questions. Of course I couldn’t answer them.

            I told him this. Of course he has no idea.

            I told a trusted friend about finding those emails. She told me that you can google an email and if they have a profile that sometimes they will have a picture with it.

            She checked and said there was one. She sent it to my message and I checked. It was a picture of that woman!

            I went to my counsel that day, showed her, she told me how sorry she was and I left him. He still says he has no idea. He’s full of it!!

            We’ve had these IPhones for two years and 5 months. New phones, New carrier and new numbers!

            There has to have been some kind of contact on these new phones or that wouldn’t come up on there?

            I showed him the email photo with her email profile picture. He still says he has no idea. I say different.

            I’m not going back.

          2. Wise. Yes, he had to have intentional contact with her for that to show up. He is gaslighting you. Glad to hear that you aren’t going back!

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