Anyone else here given a label by a counselor identifying YOU as the marriage problem?
This assumes the cheater comes to counseling. Some don’t.
A problem with counselors is that some are not up on the games cheaters play. They become complicit in the act of keeping the faithful spouse off the scent of what really matters–namely, ending the cheating.
They might even give the faithful spouse a label*:
Dependent.
Neurotic.
Narcissistic.
The cheater runs with these labels. She or he uses them to focus all the negative attention of the faithful spouse’s performance.
This frees them to do whatever they want. They are not held accountable for their destructive behavior during these episodes.
Ironically, these labels might actually fit the cheater better.
The faithful spouse appears “crazy” because of the behavior of the cheater. Their “paranoia” is not paranoia. It is fear based on real behavior the cheater is hiding.
I hope pastors and Christian counselors wise up to these behaviors. Maybe the faithful spouse looks crazy because crazy-making things are being done to them?!
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*I am NOT a counselor or therapist. This is simply a lay perspective and commentary on the experience of being on the other side of the couch. Please seek qualified medical help if you have mental health needs.
I was so wounded by a Christian counselor who in joint counseling asked my ex how I was unworthy. I remember feeling just dumbfounded that I was being thrown under the bus as a contributing factor to my ex-husband’s choices. I know I’m not perfect but I loved my husband heart and soul and was completely blindsided by his affair and abandonment. He had never voiced any complaints about me and I felt so loved and safe in my marriage until he got involved with OW. You caused me extra pain to have a counselor imply I was at fault for my ex cheating.
So, terrible! And so, wrong. I am sorry you experienced that. (I hope I did not add to your pain by bringing up this awful cheater-tactic.)
Your blog has been such a blessing to me! Found you a few years ago when I saw your comments on Chump Lady. Wonderful to have Christian spin on Chump Lady advice