“First, realize that the third person is never the full reason for separation. In fact, Guidepost 4 says that marital difficulty is caused by the marriage partners, not by someone outside the marriage….Your failures and those of your spouse brought about the crisis in your marriage.”
-ONE MORE TRY by Gary Chapman, pp31-32.
Oddly, I agree with Chapman’s marital crisis causation analysis to a point.
Clearly, he engages in promoting “The Shared Responsibility Lie” with his talk of mutual failures as the cause for present marital troubles when infidelity is present. Obviously, this is a biblically incorrect teaching as one is responsible for one’s sin alone (see 2 Corinthians 5:10).
A faithful spouse is in no way responsible for their partner’s infidelity–aka their sin!
Where I agree with Chapman is over the idea that character failures are at the root of the marital problems. However, he likes to distribute the blame as opposed to properly laying full responsibility at the foot of the one who actually chose and acted violating the marriage vows.
The character failures belong to the cheater. This is not a matter of equal distribution over their adulterous and deceitful failures.
Also, the presence of the third party is a marriage problem as well.
Their presence highlights the character flaws within the cheating partner as this partner decided cheating was acceptable when it clearly is not.
Furthermore, adultery is soul rape. This is an extremely traumatic experience and to dismiss the third party’s role in creating that awful experience is to minimize the serious impact of adultery to a marriage.
A marriage is never the same after adultery has taken place.
To suggest adultery did not create or introduce unique problems into the marriage relationship is to fail to grasp this spiritual and emotional reality.
That said, I agree that the idea of focusing energy on the third party is wasted. If it wasn’t this particular person, it would’ve been another, IMO.
The real issue is about what lies the the cheating partner accepted to “justify” allowing this third party into the marriage in the first place.
To look at the marriage as causing the affair is to engage in adultery “justifying” behavior.
It is wicked.
Circumstances do not cause someone to cheat. Even a bad marriage does not cause a person to cheat.
A lack of character–in the unfaithful partner–causes this person to cheat.
Nothing justifies committing adultery.
*A version of this post ran previously.
I differ with you on the third party. In my case, the third party was married at the time of the affair. So two families were devastated by their mutual act. You may suggest, if it was not him, there would have been another. She has said as much. And there were! Two if not more others!!! I hold them all accountable for the part they played in the dissolution of our marriage and the breakup of our family. I also think about my children, that they have to be in the presence of the main affair partner who aided in the breakup or our household, but unwittingly they have been in the presence of at least one other. Yes, if it were not for the weakness and willingness of my former wife to cheat, this never would have happened. And she does take the brunt of the blame from my point of view. But it took the weakness of at least one other for the sin to grow into full perpetuation. He continues to flaunt his ill gotten gains in public, as does she. He has willingly chosen to remain in his relationship with her. Will God not hold this third party, or in my case multiple third parties, accountable for their actions?
My dad cheated and forced my mom to file for divorce after 26 years of marriage (actually 21, cuz it was a five year affair). We blamed the other woman, as if SHE was the reason my dad cheated. It was easier to make her the villain in the story. Then they got married. Having not only to forgive, but also continue life with them- its hard. My mom got to go no-contact and figure out her own stuff away from him. We all had to figure out how to forgive and move forward in relationship with him. He has never asked for our forgiveness and has never admitted what he did was wrong. Then my own husband did the same thing. I was so hurt. So broken. I lost a whole side of my family- they embraced him like he was the victim. They embraced him and discarded me. They completely ignored the fact thatbthere was an affair partner (then demanded that I forgive him- that i was being unforgiving and unreasonable for being angry). I could never understand how the whole family could treat me that way. How could a whole family treat the victim like the enemy, and the perpetrator like the victim? Seems theyre just as at fault as the adulterer, and the other woman.
Some people prefer darkness and wickedness over light and truth. Sadly, your family seems to be in the former and not the later camp. Yes, you are right that they are in the wrong for what they are or did do. However, you GET to decide whether you stay in contact with them and their wickedness or not. If they refuse to repent, then I suggest limiting your contact to as minimal as possible for your own well-being. We do not have the power to get people to believe and walk in the truth, sadly. But we DO get to decide what we believe and who we associate with (or not).
“I lost a whole side of my family- they embraced him like he was the victim. They embraced him and discarded me. They completely ignored the fact thatbthere was an affair partner (then demanded that I forgive him- that i was being unforgiving and unreasonable for being angry). I could never understand how the whole family could treat me that way. How could a whole family treat the victim like the enemy, and the perpetrator like the victim? ”
Wow!!
This must be very common, as same happened to me… that is how most of my family and church “friends” act.
It is not that I think the affair partner(s) are blameless. That is far from the truth. Both sinned. However, the affair partners are secondary to the cheating partner as I see it. You are only one broke their marriage vows to you. Still, both are wrong. Both committed sin and will have to answer to God for it (see 2 Corinthians 5:10).