Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
-Matthew 5:23-24, NKJV
“God forgives me. So what’s your problem?!”
-Cheater
Does an unreconciled human relationship impact our relationship with God?
These words quoted above are attributed to Jesus give us an unequivocal, “Yes!” Jesus taught us that it matters to God when we knowingly are avoiding making amends–i.e. avoiding reconciliation with someone that we have wronged.
The order is first reconcile and then come to God in worship giving your offering.
Something has gone awfully wrong in our pastoral teaching that this order has nearly been lost totally. The imperative to forgive is often cited to faithful spouse (e.g. Mt. 6:14-15). However, these verses just one chapter prior about addressing the wrong committed is too oft ignored in conjunction with the forgiveness imperative. In other words, the forgiveness command context is lost.
I am going to reflect on these two verses a little more:
1) Notice that Jesus talks about the perpetrator noticing and acknowledging–to themselves first–that their “brother” is legitimately a victim of their actions.
That is what “has something against you” means (vv. 23). It means the religious person understands that they wronged their “brother” (and by “brother” I mean both genders). They start from a place of humility. It is an acknowledgement that they themselves are the perpetrator and their “brother” is their victim.
2) Jesus is crystal clear here that everything is not “a’right” in the church for the perpetrator. No cheap forgiveness here!
What floors me is hearing of situation(s) where churches, pastors, or even other “Christians” will embrace a cheater after he or she has discarded their spouse for the adultery partner. They may even justify their embrace with phrases about “God forgives [the cheaters], and so must we.”
This is not a picture of reconciliation.
Cheating on and chucking your spouse are clearly examples of wronging your “brother.” And that means the cheater must seek reconciliation prior to presenting their “offering” at church. That is what Jesus says.
Their relationship with God is in the breach. Jesus discourages pretending something is fine when it clearly is not.
Doubling down on one’s treachery does not fool God.
3) Reconciling with the wronged party is an urgent matter for faithful followers of Christ.
Jesus does not teach a easy forgiveness piece here. He does not instruct us to go along with our religious activity while our human relationship is in the breach. Jesus says that the breached human relationship needs addressing first and foremost prior to continuing in worship.
4) The responsibility to initiate reconciliation is placed squarely on the perpetrator and not the wronged party.
This last point is often missed. While I totally believe Christians ought to be about reconciliation regardless of victim/perpetrator status (see 2 Cor. 5:18), I do think what this passage teaches as an initiator of reconciliation is important.
In their selfish arrogance, the adulterous spouse wronged the faithful spouse and made a horrific mess. By being called to initiate reconciliation, it says the cheater recognizes that they did their spouse wrong as well as means they are starting to take responsibility for sinning against him/her. It is an act of humility to seek forgiveness and reconciliation from that place.
Somehow church leaders have got this last point so backwards as to insist the reconciliation initiation come from the wronged spouse. Then they put the wronged spouse’s reconciliation efforts under a microscope. This is absolutely wrong.
If the cheating spouse is unwilling to lead the charge in this area of reconciliation, they are not willing to repent of their sins. And pretending God is fine with them short of insisting on this being done is promoting a lie. God is not fine with them. He calls them to seek reconciliation with their wronged spouse.
Finally, I am a firm believer that our actions have consequences that do not go away even with perfect forgiveness. The innocence of the marriage is forever lost after one spouse has violated the covenant through committing adultery. Reconciliation may simply mean the end of enmity between the parties. It does not necessarily mean remaining married.
I suspect a reason why some Christian counselors/pastors pressure faithful spouses to initiate reconciliation is because they realize the cheating partner is not going to do that. They settle for something less than repentance in the cheating spouse, in other words. This serves no one spiritually.
Jesus does not peddle cheap forgiveness.
He calls us to the hard road of humility and reconciliation.
God is not to be used a cover to avoid repentance.
*A version of this post ran previously.
Wow! This is powerful! I intend to share this and also to reread and eventually cite in a piece I am writing.
Thanks! Glad to hear that it helps.
Dear DM,
I’m not articulate so I’ll try to explain that I wish I had found your website sooner. My husband has been a serial cheater for 25 years, I just didn’t know it. How stupid can a woman be? For many reasons, I wish I had found your website sooner. You see, I’ve been made to feel that somehow I’m to blame for the low self-esteem that led my husband to cheat in hopes of lifting his self-esteem. Somehow, my intelligence, professional success, popularity, physical appearance, athleticism, education, motivation, was most likely overwhelming for an introverted person, such as him. Can you believe that? I did. That is, until I stumbled across your website. Now I’d like to go back and ask the “Christian” counselors and pastors, what kind of “serial cheater” is an introvert? No such thing. He wasn’t so “introverted” when he prowling for women to have affairs with.
The worst part about all of this, is that I am a devout believer, so after 25 years of marriage and who knows how many affairs (I can only prove 7), had I received the counseling based on scripture about how God dealt with infidelity, then I would have been given the opportunity to make the best possible decision a long time ago. Instead, I was advised to “forgive”; which led to the most recent discovery and boy it was worst than any other discovery. You see, I went to pick up a prescription, and inadvertently picked up his STD prescription. I’ve been tested every month for 2 years and by the Grace of God I’m healthy but what a gut-punch. Since then, I just lost myself. I continued to work but life changed forever. What kind of person does this. He was diagnosed with a treatable but incurable STD several years prior but never said a word. I still struggle with the enormity of it all and other than your website, I don’t have any support but with God all things are possible.
When pastors & counselors fail to hold cheaters accountable, the victims continue to be victims and sometimes the possibilities can be deadly. Thank you for your website, I share it so often that I actually made business cards and for the times I run out, I have a photo I’m able to text.
Appreciative,
Marooned
Thank you, Maroon, for your kind note to me! It was much needed encouragement this day. I will plan on doing a full treatment of your comment as I think much is there worth engaging.
Blessings,
Pastor David
My cheating ex-fiancee, who somehow got pregnant while I was away in the service, confessed it in a letter telling me she was so sorry, begged for forgivness, and asked me to please keep writing to her even if it was just to “swear at her”. She never offered any explanation or excuse as to why this betrayal occured, which puzzles me to this day – many years later. Well, as the Chump Lady says, I didn’t kill her so I must have forgiven her, but I maintained “no contact” ever since. I never wrote back to “swear at her” or anything remotely similar. As it turns out, she paid a steep price for her indescretion, but it was God’s doing, not mine.