“I talked it through with my [individual] therapist, and it [the cheating] is no longer a problem. The real problem in our marriage is how you ….” – Cheater
Never take a cheater on their word alone.
Cheaters are accomplished manipulators. They have been known to play seasoned pastors and therapists.
Some cheaters have honed the art of lying to a fine craft with years of practice, after all.
Personally, I find it odd that the perpetrator of wrong feels absolved of their wrongdoing without any reference to their victim.
Any pastor–or Christian counselor–working with a cheater who leads them to the conclusion that they can fix their cheating problem in isolation and without making amends to their victims are missing an important piece of the repentance puzzle.
That making amends–or minimally accepting the reality that they are in their partner’s debt for defrauding them of intimacy–is vital for godly marriage restoration.
Without it, the cheater’s pride is allowed to go forth unchecked.
A cheater who has not truly humbled themselves before God and their victims is someone–I believe–will continue in the sin. It is not a matter of if but when for such individuals.
The rotten core of pride and entitlement remains in their hearts. And that is really the source of the cheating and lying in the first place (e.g. Mark 7:21-23).
Such is likely to flow out of that putrid source again at some point.
So, if you are working with a pastor or Christian counselor who is willing to give the cheater a pass without the cheater taking a posture of humility making amends, then I would recommend running and not walking from their office.
They are helping no one, except the one who is bent on our destruction. And you don’t need that.
X informed me during separation that he was no longer doing “those things” that led to the separation. I knew he was cohabiting and dating; so I asked him if he was being faithful to me.
He promptly got angry and told me that I was the cause of all the stress in his life!
Apparently it is very stressful for cheaters when they can no longer manipulate someone & they are called out on their lies!
So, true.
X went to therapy claiming he was suicidal and that I tried to destroy him for pointing out all the lies and hurtful things he did (using joint bank acct to buy gifts for his new family, having a gift delivered to our house- meant for AP’s son, but our daughter opened it, guilting our daughter because she didn’t call grandma, so daughter doesn’t deserve to visit grandma- trip to grandma was really a 2 day visit with AP, his brother posting a public FB picture of X, his 2 brothers, and AP having a blast 2 weeks after my daughter and I found out about the affair, drinking, DUI, losing his job, etc)
Much of this didn’t seem wrong to him. Entitlement.
X’s therapist managed to get X to live with what he did by 3rd party blameshift support. I can’t blame the therapist… Therapist could either insist on making X see the truth, risking a suicide on his hands OR support X rewriting history so X could justify what he did/ have X continue to live in his alternate reality.
I can wake up every morning, look in the mirror and know the person looking back at me never hurt another person… And everyday for the rest of my life, I no longer have to deal with unhealthy, selfish, and hurtful individuals. My X is not my problem anymore. I look at him as a ‘single’ woman with absolutely no interest. Zero attraction.
It’s only been 6 months since I found out about the affair (I kicked him out immediately/ not divorced yet) I feel so independent, authentic, and true to myself.
A lot of me being able to move on quickly is because my marriage was pretty broken for years because of X’s alcoholism and npd (X has been semi-sober for last 2 years/ started affair to fill void from sobriety)
I don’t have to lie to people and make excuses for his bad behavior anymore. It’s very liberating!