Telling lies about others is as harmful as hitting them with an ax, wounding them with a sword, or shooting them with a sharp arrow.
-Proverbs 25:18, NLT
One of the many things that baffles me about the accepted Christian “wisdom” on healing marriages ravaged by adultery is how often pastors and counselors seem to take the cheater’s narrative as a truthful account. They view it as valuable for the process of helping the faithful spouse “improve” as a spouse and heal the marriage.
How could supporting lies ever help a relationship heal?!
It baffles me because these pastors are trusting the word of a proven liar–i.e. the cheater–who has taken a stance of utter contempt for their partner by the very act of committing adultery!
Further, pastors often seem completely tone-deaf to the damage the cheater’s marriage narrative has done and continues to do to the faithful partner. In fact, they engage in supporting that deceitful narrative by giving cheaters space to degrade their partners in an attempt to avoid taking responsibility for their own adulterous sins.
What is real and what is not is a tenuous thing for faithful spouses to grasp in the midst of the gaslighting campaign waged by many cheaters for months or even years! Just imagine if your spouse spent that length of time telling you (and others) that you imagined things when in reality they were actually having sex with another person (or two).
A wise pastor does not trust the word of a liar and treats the faithful spouse with some added grace considering this awful ordeal inflicted upon him/her by the cheating partner.
A wise pastor recognizes that someone who is willing to lie for months and years is not qualified to provide an unbiased or really even helpful perspective on the marriage condition until that person has truly repented of such contempt-filled behavior.
A wise pastor does not hand a proverbial sword back to the adulterous aggressor and tell him/her to take another whack at his/her victim. Such are the words designed to put the blame for cheating on the faithful partner.
Cheaters have already demonstrated a willingness to choose their own pleasure over their partners’ pain. Until the cheater grasps the damage they have done and learns to respond with empathy for the faithful spouse, I find talking about the relationship sins or dysfunction unhelpful.
A sinful habit of inflicting careless or malicious verbal wounds must first be unlearned.
Trying to piece together a marriage history with a cheater is like sticking one’s head in a blender. It is painful and confusing. Important pieces of information usually are missing. And malicious lies like blades are poised to take out chucks from the faithful partner inflicting significant trauma and pain.
It is best to disarm the retroactive marriage history blender first. This can be done on one’s own through being well-established in the truth and calling out a lie for a lie when it appears. With a cheater, it can be done only if the cheater is willing to repent of his or her cutting, deceitful words and approach the marriage with humility plus empathy for the one he/she wounded.
Because most folks believe in Shared Responsibility Lie, until they themselves get to experience such treatment and wise up, thus they will support perpetrator to some degree. I’m glad I found your site. It helped me see stupidity of folks supporting traitors. True repentance definition has opened my eyes to see fake apology and life experience of one’s “sole raped” see world and sin clearer. Blending/changing history of marriage is nothing more than plain justification and an attempt to minimize guilt. Just like Adam blaming God for his own sin, the wife you gave me made me caused me to sin. No wonder God did not accept such a repentance.
Just the other day, a well meaning but mistaken Christian friend said to me, “having a bad spouse makes it easier for the other to cheat.”
The conversation started with him asking me why I haven’t been back to church. To make a long story short, I told him about all the non-biblical and victim blaming advice that the church gave me when I attempted counselor with my then cheating ex-wife. I told him about how they added to my injury. After a long conversation and me giving him much scriptural support to my point, his advice was that I needed to come back to church. The same church that further confused and hurt me. This is a person who has never experienced adultery. (I think counselors and pastors who have not experienced it for themselves, do not qualify to counsel others in the wreckage of adultery. And friends neither.)
As you sad Broken_Hurt, people who have never experienced it for themselves just won’t understand, not that I wish this on anyone. There’s no way you can make them. It’s only frustrating and reopens wounds. They only know enough to regurgitate what they hear. That fact that he couldn’t argue with all the Biblical reasons I gave him, yet encourage me to return to the same church demonstrates an something even more disturbing than misunderstanding. I realize I was dealing with borderline cultist behavior.
My well meaning Christian friend went on to tell me the story of a women whom is a friend, who waited for 2 years for her husband to return. He had cheating, abandoned and moved in with the OW and he eventually returned to the marriage. He attempted to cite this as a miracle, and that God had put a peace in her heart the entire time and told her to wait for him. He said because of all the prayers from their friends, God “caused” him to repent. I believe this to be religiosity. The God that I know does not tolerate adultery. The reason God chose to call Israel a whore and called it adultery is because that is the worse kind of betrayal, involving ones entire being, body, mind and spirit. The same God will not then tell one of his children to tolerate and unrepentant spouse, furthering the faithful spouses abuse. I was then told that you can’t put God in a box – another Christian culture favorite cliche. But know His character is not the same as putting Him in a box. And moreover, yes God can do anything, but he won’t do everything. We then got into an entirely other conversation about freewill and God interfering with it, which is too long to recap here. But it ended like the first conversation. My friend was unable to counter all of my scriptural support, but remained steadfast in his position. Scary. I believe this is the mentality of most people who are rooted more in Christian sub-culture rather than their Bible.
Sorry for the long post. That conversation has been really bothering me and I needed to get it off my chest.
Well, our counselor recently told me …when I told him about a stunt that my husband pulled, that if I kick him out that I very well could be sending him back into the arms of the other woman. I told him I didn’t care anymore!!
Almost 34 yrs. of marriage here and six adult kids now. The youngest just turned 18. So, we see this man in church now and he just acts like all is well and I made the right decision to stay. He says we have a lovely family and he would hate to see us break up. I told him I didn’t cause that. He just smiled and prayed for us.
I know. I’m still here for a reason. Until my kid goes to college. This is gut wrenching. I almost beat my husband up on Memorial day. I found an email with her name on his phone. I had my daughter come out while I showed it to him. Right in front of her. He said he had no idea why it was there. Really?
@Michael,
I too have had such conversation with upstanding church members that preach and best friend that is a believer. Even though frustrated, I see them as human beings that luck understanding on this subject. It is similar to trying to teach a blind person colors. I have accepted this as the fact of life. They are not qualified to offer counsel and in good will cause more hurt and damage. Christian sub-cult is something I have personally witnessed. It seems to be product of shallow rooted Christian beliefs and superstition/s. I’m sure there is way more to that…
@Marie,
Why did you stay? Your kids are adults and at that age know the difference.
Your story reminds me of my late grandmother who was still pregnant with 6th child as grandpa made OW pregnant. She decided to go FWD for the sake of the kids. Later Grandpa packed whole family and moved to different city as part of reconciliation. They had 4 more kids after that. Sounds as a miracle, but I know just what pain my grandmother had to endure. Not a fairy tale, but she made it throu life with integrity. I’m so proud of her for what she did, and would of been just as proud even if she did not stay.
I still very much have my integrity. I’m trying to make it until my youngest goes to college. If anybody was pregnant…he would be out the door fast. God Bless your Grandma. Obviously he was repentant. Mine hasn’t even admitted it.
To Michael:
Re the comment from the … um misguided friend who apparently said ” because of all the prayers from their friends, God “caused” him to repent.”
I share your less than positive reaction to the comment.
I respectfully say nonsense. I believe that God gave us free will. We have the ability to choose what to do . As much God would prefer we did not hurt each other with our choices, those prayers, fervent as they may have been did not induce God to cause or make the way ward spouse to repent.
“those prayers, fervent as they may have been did not induce God to cause or make the way ward spouse to repent.” Thank you mommythree for reminding this.
Unfortunately many Christians believe otherwise, and shame hurt spouse for quitting too soon or implying that one has little faith. I have heard this as well. Its hard for them to accept the fact that we have so little control in this world.