“A wicked and adulterous generation looks for a sign, but none will be given it except the sign of Jonah.” Jesus then left them and went away.
-Matthew 16:4, NIV
Some Christian leaders will encourage faithful spouses to stay in marriages if their cheater chooses not to file for divorce.
I am NOT one of those!
A cheater who chooses not to file for divorce may still continue lying, cheating, and abusing the faithful spouse. Staying in that sort of marriage is unwise for the faithful spouse.
Pastors who counsel faithful spouses to stay in such sin-ravaged marriages are prioritizing “intact marriages” over the spiritual and general well-being of both parties, in my opinion. It is not right.
Jesus gives faithful spouses the freedom to choose divorce independent of the cheater’s actions in the matter as I read Scripture (e.g. Mt 19:9). This means the cheater’s actions post-infidelity do not have the power to revoke this freedom.
A faithful spouse might decide to work with a cheater if he or she actually engages in repentance. In fact, I think most faithful spouses hope for such an outcome yet discover cheaters rarely walk the path of real repentance.
Staying with a cheater who is not sorry and unwilling to rebuild what they destroyed is unwise. Sadly, it may mean pulling the divorce filing trigger yourself.
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The marriage contract is terminated by the one who seriously violates it, not by the one that files paperwork.
Got it?
The cheater ended it with their infidelity. That marriage is over. A faithful spouse need not feel ashamed filing the official paperwork acknowledging this awful truth.
I needed to have this reinforced this week! I’ve come a long way, but right now I feel overwhelmed with it all again.
I was the chump who forgave and forgave until I finally left and demanded signs of repentance from him before the kids and I returned. I soon filed for legal separation because I knew what he was up to. He was lying about me, living with latest OW, & pushing me to divorce him so he could continue his play as the victim. This time the “victim of divorce”!
I know I’m better off and really “got it” UNTIL I have to face X at a special milestone for one of my children. ( I say “my” because I’m the one who raised them, and who is still investing in them.) He shows up to these events, that the kids & I pay for, as if he is a contributing member. He is flanked by his wealthy family members (supporting members of his “We the Nicest People in the World” cast).
I want to be supportive and focus on kids achievements; however, I would much rather avoid these events and the stress all together. I’m open to any advice you may have for surviving and preparing myself for these hellish encounters.
Nyra, the reality is that he is going to be around until the kids are grown, so this is all about how you. You have no control over your kids father. Getting to a state where you do not care about him and his life is your goal! Reduce your contact to a minimum. Communicate by email. Enforce child support and custody issues through attorneys and public agencies. The less you have to personally deal with him and his drama the less the necessary contact will bother you. Spending some time at http://www.chumplady.com will stiffen you spine and is the antidote to the Reconciliation Industrial Complex.
Thanks Loren,
I always appreciate your input!
The RIC & the X certainly did a number on me.
My great fear is for my kids. After what I’ve been through, I struggle with trusting God to protect them like I should & used to.
I don’t like to think about where I would be without DM & Chumplady.