“I was afraid you would get angry. That is why I did not tell you [I was cheating on you].”
-Cheater
Isn’t it amazing how a cheater can make their own lies your fault?
Now, we know their lies are their lies. However, cheaters are adept at shifting blame.
This sort of mind trick was noted on the local radio the other day. The announcers saw through this ploy. One called it out for what it truly is:
The speaker is blaming their victim for lying to him or her.
In neat fashion, it takes the negative spotlight off the liar and puts it upon the lied to. The faithful spouse is put on the defensive as he or she is almost obligated NOT to be angry as that would “justify” the lie.
In my personal opinion, this tactic is abusive. It is as emotionally manipulative as the wife beater telling his bruised wife that “if she didn’t say those things, then he wouldn’t have to beat her.”
The wife beater is wrong. He is fully responsible for the abuse. It is not his victim’s fault.
And for those still going after faithful spouses, I would like to point out that the beaten wife might have said upsetting things. That does not excuse the husband’s abuse. EVER.
So, analogously:
The cheater is wrong. She is fully responsible for her lies. It is not the faithful spouse’s fault.
I got this version:
“I wanted to come back home, but I knew you would always hold it (infidelity) against me.”
So the infidelity is not the problem, it is my imagined lack of forgiveness…
My ex-FIL said something to that effect prior to my discovery of his daughter’s adultery.
According to X:
The reason he & I are divorced is because I, the ABUSIVELY angry wife for OVER 30 YEARS, left him!
After DDay I was extremely angry! I had finally put all the pieces of a very ugly puzzle together & grasped the reality & cause of the difficult life he had subjected the kids & I to. In EVERY way, for over 30 years he had selfishly & intentionally been abusing the unconditional love, grace, trust & forgiveness I had given him.
Things I learned about X’s code of conduct on Dday:
•His gain was worth our pain.
•We could go without so he could have.
•What we didn’t know won’t hurt him.
•Just do it – ask forgiveness later if truth comes to light
•when things of past come to light, you do not have to accept ownership of those “things”.
•Ask forgiveness for minor infractions & people will not look for the iceberg connected to them
•A little truth in a lie = truth was told
•Mumbling something in vicinity of spouse means they were informed
•you don’t need to repent from past sins because they’re in the past.
•Everything is in the past or will be in just a second
•Spouse has an anger or forgiveness problem if they can’t forgive you for something in the past
•Its okay to give partial information or exclude important information when making life changing decisions with spouse
•stay silent or cry when things come to light
•Don’t show anger. Getting angry is a sin.(don’t take responsibility for causing it….that’s someTHING in the past)
•Always play the victim
Great observations, Nyra. Especially “His gain was worth our pain”.
That about captures the essence of why these people do the things they do. Nobody else matters.
This is a truly, amazingly accurate and perceptive list! My story is so similar to yours. Married 32years, two grown kids…everything sounds the same, from the horrible emotional abuse to, well, all the rest. Thank you for your insight. People wonder why there isn’t a stronger contact with this ex. It seems only we grasp why. And we are careful to examine ourselves for unforgiveness in this process. There is no advantage for us to be unforgiving, unhealthy, or disobedient to God here. But there is no trust OR evidence that these behaviors will stop. Next time I get that “look” of judgment from someone, I’ll hand them your list!