“I thought you would get angry. That is why I didn’t tell you.”
-Cheater (on why she lied) to faithful spouse
This sort of statement is red meat to therapists and pastors who see their roles as rescuers. They hear something like this, and immediately jump to rescue the (cheating) “damsel in distress.”
They are either too dumb or blind to realize that the cheater is playing them like a fiddle.
It is a frustrating state of affairs if you are the faithful spouse in this scenario. The “helpers” assume the worse of you when the cheater employs this tactic.
Instead of calling out the cheater for lying, they assume the worse about you, the victim of her lies and deception. They assume you are abusive, and she must have had “valid” reasons for lying to you.
Also, I want to point out how the cheater seems to be aware of how their behavior may be very upsetting to you. But they engage in this behavior anyways!
This is “EXHIBIT A” to those who think cheaters are unaware that their actions were wrong. Many know enough to know this behavior would upset their spouse upon discovery.
That’s why they lie about it and otherwise engage in deceptive practices!
Instead of “rescuing” the cheater, a wise pastor or Christian leader ought to help the cheater see this. Anger is not a sin but an emotion (see Ephesians 4:26).
In fact, anger is the proper emotional response for a spouse discovering infidelity.
While being abusive IS sin, the state of feeling anger towards someone who has wronged you is far from sin. This is righteous anger. It is how God operates towards the wicked (Psalm 7:11).
This sort of righteous anger ought to be encouraged and treated with respect as opposed to stuffed and shamed as often is the case in Christian circles.
In short, a cheater ought not to be given a pass simply by invoking the potential for their faithful partner being angry. The cheater is still responsible for choosing to lie just as she is still responsible for choosing to cheat.
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*A version of this post ran previously.
